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PHOENIX –– Suggesting their normal stash “just might not be enough to cut it this year,” experts predicted Monday that Americans may require massive amounts of cannabis to help them enjoy this holiday season.
“After a highly contentious election and particularly difficult year, we estimate many people may need to double, or in some cases even triple, their supply of cannabis to get them through the holidays,” said epidemiologist Dr. Hannah Schnabel, noting that family gatherings, shopping trips, and all travel plans should be considered “high risk activities without the assistance of marijuana in some form or another” this Fall. “Maybe in the past, people figured they’d just kind of wing it and rely on a younger cousin or an old friend who never left their hometown to hook them up with a couple joints to make the holidays somewhat tolerable. But this year has been something else, and it’s just too risky to go into Thanksgiving and Christmas without a well-stocked supply.”
Although many Americans will choose to stay home this year to avoid the stresses and exposure to COVID-19, experts still suggest everyone nationwide maintains an ample supply of THC-infused essentials for the holidays.
“Even if you plan to keep things low-key this season, it’s important to consider the ramifications of being weed-less during the holidays,” said local activist and educator Jorge Cruz. “No one is immune to the barrage of depressing Hallmark movies and sad Christmas music everywhere you go, and those are just so much better when you’re high. Hell, even the National Dog Show can be greatly improved by a few bong loads.”
Local dealers and dispensaries are anticipating a busy season, which may cause shortages of regular supply — all the more reason to stock up for the winter.
“Most people dread going home for the holidays already, and with the recent passing of Prop 207 here in Arizona, this year is guaranteed to be a total shitshow,” said Rose Gold Dispensary manager Amanda Broder. “We still have an excellent supply, so there’s no need to panic just yet… but we’re recommending our patients have several weeks’ worth of medicine to get them through all festive meals, long shifts working holiday sales, and any potential interactions you may have with racist family members. If we’ve learned anything from 2020, it’s that it’s better to over-prepare than find yourself staring at dispensary shelves that are as empty as our hopes for this year.”
As of this morning, millions of Americans were gently pushing people out of the way to get to their local dispensary to stockpile goods for the holidays.
Sari Beliak is a writer, comedian, and proud dog mom from Phoenix, AZ. You can follow her on Twitter https://twitter.com/thecrassceiling
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.