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Goddamn it. Look, if you’ve got any advice for how to get out of this, I’m open. I could really use a hand.
After 10 or so rips from the two-footer, this new friend of one of my buddies asked me a few minutes ago what car I drove. I nonchalantly told him I drive an ‘08 Mazda 3, not realizing that by answering, I’d sealed my fate. As soon as he asked if it was “a turbo,” I knew I’d gotten trapped in a conversation with a dude who is really into cars while I’m way too stoned.
Here’s the thing: I don’t know dick about cars. I know which one I drive, that it runs on gasoline, and that every few months, I have to take it to the scary men at Jiffy Lube so they can commence the sorcery they call an “oil change.” To me, looking under the hood of a car is like looking at the inside of a grandfather clock — I have no clue what the hell is going on.
So, not thinking, I doubled down and told him, “Ah, I’m pretty sure it’s a turbo, yeah.” Big fucking mistake. Now he’s going on about how turbos are better because with a 2.5 liter 4-cylinder engine, you can’t get much torque unless it’s a turbo. What does any of that even mean? Is torque bad? Is 2.5 liters how much gas it takes? Shit, how much is a liter again? Dear God, why did I get this blazed?
And that’s when the real interrogation started: he wanted to know if I’ve noticed any bending or rusting in the sway bar links. Clueless, I panicked and said no, but I also said that sometimes it rumbles… which is true, but why would I tell him that? Now I’m fielding questions about the “belt.” Does he mean the seatbelt, or is there another belt on the car? My car doesn’t wear pants, what would it need a belt for? I’m gonna waterboard myself if we don’t move on to something else soon.
Ah, fuck. Now he wants to know if I’ve seen pictures of the 2023 Integra, and as you’ve probably guessed, I have not. I thought that by being honest and saying “no,” he’d abandon the topic. No such luck: he just pulled it up on his phone, and now I’m desperately struggling to fake interest in his long-winded review of how awesome every part of the car is. I did learn that the Integra was, in fact, an Acura, but aside from that, he may as well be speaking in hieroglyphs, and here I am, mindlessly nodding my head and muttering things like “oh shit” and “no way.” Jesus, I’m too high for this.
Oh… oh, wait a minute. Here we go! My other friend just asked if we were talking about the band, The Cars, and that’s the new talking point. Thank goodness, I can bring something to the table now. I love The Cars — shit, I know pretty much all the words to “My Sharona.” This is gonna be a piece of cake.
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
