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EUGENE, Ore. — As Christmas approaches, the cannabis industry nationwide has begun bracing for the annual onslaught of awful holiday puns from distributors and customers alike.
“As soon as the store’s soundtrack plays that Mariah Carey song for the first time, you know it’s coming,” said Budding Journeys dispensary owner Fred Marcus, while propping a Christmas tree up in the corner of the shop shaped like a cannabis leaf.
“‘Christmas Trees’ is the classic, which of course then leads into ‘Pagan Trees,’ and ‘Hanukkush’… not to mention ‘Holidaze,’ ‘Feliz Navibong,’ ‘Egg Nug,’ ‘Winter Bowlstice,’ ‘Baby All I Want For Christmas Is for You to Smoke Me Up’ — which shouldn’t even count as a pun, to be honest — and the ‘Little One-er Boy,’” Marcus added while crossing out any pun names made by the distributors and thus already printed on product labels with a Sharpie. “Gotta be proactive with this stuff.”
Employee Janet Paulson is already overwhelmed by the stupid puns and tried ignoring them, but instinctively began making more puns without trying.
“I couldn’t help it. They just sorta poured out of me, Paulson said. “Earlier today I was speaking with a customer, and they asked for Jack Herer and I automatically corrected it to be ‘Jack Herer Nipping At Your Nose.’ Then after they left I had ‘Pack The Bowls With Boughs of Molly’ stuck in my head all day — that one doesn’t even make sense, and it’s nowhere near cannabis related, but the puns just create themselves this time of year.”
Though most concede the puns are awful, Rampant Growth CEO David Klein confirmed pun-named products generally sell far better than others.
“People love to hate the puns. They groan and roll their eyes, but then they inevitably buy them, so it works,” Klein said. “They should consider themselves lucky, too, because we had some really brutal ones get rejected: ‘High and the Family Stoned,’ ‘You’re A Green One Mr. Grinch,’ ‘The Nug-Cracker,’ and ‘Vague Hallmark Channel Rom-Bong.’ And those were the best of the rejected ones.”
For their part, Marcus and Paulson were both willing to allow one: “High Hard,” agreeing, “It most certainly counts as a Christmas pun, no matter what the haters say!”
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.