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A guest Post by Archie Snackwell, Assistant Budtender at Canna-Bus Station in Joliet, Illinois.
We typically think of a pre-roll as a joint that’s produced by the dispensary, brand or vendor, but if you like to argue semantics (which I do), a pre-roll is any joint rolled prior to smoking. You can’t smoke a joint before it’s rolled, can you? Technically, that means all joints are pre-roll joints. So, maybe a better name for them is “store-rolled” or “to-go” joints. But whatever you call them, they’re exceedingly pricey, and just another way “big cannabis” tries to line their pockets.
Well, I’m an expert, here to tell you that you don’t need to waste your money on pre-packaged fluff. You can roll your own quality joints at home with a little practice and a few supplies by taking my 6-week course on artisanal rolled joints. (Yes, we can call joints ‘artisanal’ because we don’t use any machinery and I have a Fine Arts degree. If you think about it, anything an artisan makes is artisanal.)
Stop by the dispensary for a list of recommended supplies for the class. I’ve curated a selection from different price points: mainly you’ll need filters, papers, a grinder, and an air-tight canister for storage. People think you can just put your weed in anything, but without the right container, your cannabis can dry out or even grow mold. While cannabis can cure a lot of ailments, let’s leave the penicillin to the medical professionals.
“Why does it take six weeks to learn to roll a joint? Shouldn’t it take about six seconds?” That’s a very common misconception. The art of rolling cannot be rushed. But no, of course, it doesn’t take six weeks to learn how to roll a joint. It only takes five, but week six is a bonus session where I introduce you to the magical world of keef!
Here’s a breakdown of what we’ll cover each week:
Week 1 – Grinding
Week 2 – Make Filters
Week 3 – Shaping Cones
Week 4 – Packing
Week 5 – Twist and Seal
Week 6 – Keef Dipping (BONUS)
After successful completion, you’ll receive a certificate I made from a Great Gatsby template on Canva and printed at my parent’s house. I burn the edges a little bit, roll it into a scroll, and hand-deliver it to the address you provide. (Make sure you give a physical address on the G-form. It’s so awkward showing up to a mailbox store in my tuxedo.)
And finally — no, because of its hands-on techniques, this course will not be made available on Zoom. Please stop asking.
Paulina Combow is a writer and stand-up comedian. She contributes to Reductress and Ladyspike Media and has had funny essays published in The Washington Post. Find her at paulinacombow.me
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.