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Oh, man. I haven’t been this couch-locked in years. Normally I’d be totally cool with being glued to the couch, especially on my holiday break… but I just smelled something that truly makes me wish I had the willpower to get up. I’d recognize that smell from a mile away. You all are eating the leftover holiday ham! 

What I urgently need from at least one of you, is to bring me some of that delicious holiday ham. I’d get it myself, but it simply isn’t physically possible for me right now. I’m usually a sativa guy, in my defense. There’s no way I would have taken so many tokes earlier if I knew we were all burning Grandaddy Purple! 

Come on, please? It’s my favorite tradition to eat leftover holiday ham the day after Christmas! I can’t believe I’m gonna miss out this year just because I can’t stand up. I definitely would’ve waited to sink into the depths of this sofa if I knew you were gonna ham out now. I just got caught up in the holiday cheer, and you know I’m not one to turn down a few free puffs. You know what I mean? 

Can someone hook me up with a slice? Anyone? I feel like I’m not asking for much here.

Look, I see you, four feet away, where you just sat down comfortably to dig into some ham. And I know Mom slaved away in the kitchen cooking us grub for the past few days, so there’s no way I’m expecting her to help me out. However, there are three of you without a solid excuse to not bring me some goddamn holiday ham!

Alright. I get it if you all want to eat first and then bring me a slice of ham. Just don’t bring me the scraps, ya know? Just save me one or two premium chops of that delicate pork! That’ll make up for the fact that I had to sit here watching you all eat for what feels like hours. 

We should be good after that. That is, of course, until Mom brings out the leftover dessert. I better not  be glued to the couch anymore by then. There’s no way in hell I’m missing out on that. 

Christopher Charles Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. IG: @Chris_Jones_Creates

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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