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In my day, you got a bag of weed and that was that. Sure, we had options: rolling it up into a blunt or joint, throwing it in the bong (with or without ice), or on special occasions, loading it into the Volcano. We hardly ever had edibles, and if we did, it was usually a pan of sad, wet brownies loaded with stems, shake, and sobriety.

Well, times have changed, and I’ll admit it: I was overwhelmed the first time I went into a dispensary in a legal state. I figured it’d be like going to my old dealer’s house, but with more options and less, “Hey, stick around for an hour and listen to my poetry,” but there were MORE products that WEREN’T buds than were buds. I was opposed to it at first — I know, I’m a bit of a traditionalist — but thanks to the helpful budtender, I found the new love of my cannabis consuming life: tinctere. Or is it spelled tincture? Yeah, I think that’s it. 

I have no clue what this stuff is, but for a stingy, oily liquid that tingles my tongue, I’ll tell you what: it’s gotten me fucked up now for weeks straight. I drop it on my tongue at work, when I’m with my family, at church, at the grocery store, in the drive-thru while waiting for grub, if traffic is heavy… you name it. I don’t recommend it for funerals, though. People react negatively to watching a mourner dropping personal vials during service, for some reason, even if we all mourn and get high in our own ways.

I started some basic internet searches to figure out how they make this magical product, but most times I’ve tried, I’d just dropped some of it and got distracted by a YouTube video of unlikely pairs of animals hugging, and I forget to look it up. Maybe they squeeze the buds under like, industrial levels of pressure, and this is literal weed juice? Maybe this is what happens when buds get heated up enough that they change states from solid to liquid? I have no fucking clue, to be honest, but these last few months have been by far the most potent high of my life. 

And it really makes me wonder: what else can be done with weed? What’s the future of cannabis? Next they’ll be telling us they can just beam a high into our brain telepathically or something. 

Wait… oh my God. Is that possible? Would I even know if it was? What if this tincture is just water, and my constant high is the CIA just low-key fucking with me in a kinder, gentler version of COINTELPRO?

It’s thoughts like these that come from some drops of tincture that I love (until I can prove otherwise, anyway), and it will likely be the reason I become an inventor or an engineer down the line or something. Anyway, go out and try it if you haven’t. I’m about to drop a couple more hits and go on a four hour walk and brainstorm. Happy highs, folks!

Jay Shingle is a comedy performer and musician from the Pacific Northwest, and he is the creator of @ordinarypeoplememes on Instagram.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.