Study Finds THC Helps Prevent Huge Feet in Clowns

Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) may be able to prevent the unfortunate, although arguably hilarious, development of huge feet in clowns, a new study from the Oxford Clown University finds. 

If THC treatment is proven successful, which the scientists from both Oxford and the Mayo Clown Clinic say is increasingly likely, it could provide a new way of fighting this epidemic. Published in Red Nose Medical Journal, the study determined that THC was able to effectively suppress abundant foot growth through activating the body’s CB2 endocannabinoid receptor, which in turn, prevented the onset of freakish and disgustingly large callous-covered meat flippers.

“I’ve had these canoe paddles for feet my whole life, so I had basically just resigned myself to a life of thinking it would never be different,” said Cedric “Squeaker of the House” Peabody, a clown in Greenville, N.C. There are many more like Peabody, clown doctors found, who simply thought they could never play a proper drum kit without excessive arm extensions. “Leave me alone,” said one clown when approached for the study who refused to be named, the wind from his steps disrupting annual bird migration patterns as he walked away. “Don’t get my hopes up.” 

However, clown doctors, clown scientists, and clown professors agree: THC is working, and the results are incredible. No longer are clowns forced to buy shoes on the dark web, or during a flash sale on November 1st from Spirit Halloween. Beyond that, with smaller feet, the range of shoe color options is abundant — not simply the standard bright red, clowns are forced into today. “A pair of lace-up chucks? Yeah, they’ll be able to do that. A standard size, open-toe pump? You bet. A simple, but refined chelsea boot? Absolutely,” said Melinda Richardson, lead researcher on the study. “The options would certainly feel endless and possibly overwhelming to a group who has dealt with this issue in relative silence, with their bright face paint to cover up the shame of knocking over department store shoe displays and being fitted by foot length relative to a full-grown alligator.”

As an industry known for its red noses and nonsensically large feet, this truly is a notable discovery. Cannabis has had a profound and positive effect on so many industries in the last decade, but some are worried that this could change clowns forever. Without gigantic crater carvers, what could that lead to? “Nobody ever said, ‘Send in the accountants,’” exclaimed Hema Alfsson, a 56-year veteran clown. “Plus, how do we know it ain’t gonna make my elbows huge or something?” She is not alone in her trepidation: many are worried that smaller feet will mean smaller paychecks, smaller laughs and quite possibly, smaller demand for socks measured by the yard.

Has this THC research gone too far? The folks at Oxford Clown University don’t think so, but for those who have them, truck-sized mud flap feet may not be a laughing matter much longer.

Joe Rapp is an improviser, graphic designer and unknown local celebrity in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter @fakejoerapp

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