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For an athlete embarking on the unique journey of going to their first Olympics, there’s so much to be excited about. But not enough people talk about the things they may be leaving behind for the first time — like close friends. Or family members.
Or, for some, weed.
This year, with the Olympics soldering on despite a global pandemic, leaving behind all that you love just to compete seems even more daunting… particularly for the U.S. Olympic skateboarding team, who needed to abstain from smoking weed for a month to pass their array of drug tests to represent their country. “I’m stoked for the opportunity,” said street skater Jagger Eaton, “but this Covid stuff is mad scary. Tokyo is in a state of emergency, and I can’t even smoke a blunt or rip a one-hitter. We’re not even old enough to drink, and I’m supposed to cope with this by drinking Powerade? Weak, bro.”
Harder still was the month leading up to the Games, where skaters, despite their high metabolisms, went without herb for a full 30 days to ensure their systems were clear. Indeed, renowned sprinter Sha’Carri Richardson was notably banned from these Games for a failed marijuana test, and that news definitely put the skaters on high alert as they prepared for their journey. “Getting high and skateboarding go together like peanut butter and jelly,” noted team trainer Perry Nitkowski. “We have one straight-edge skater in reserve on our team, but we can’t pin all of our hopes on him — that’s just way too much pressure to put on someone who has to find other ways of blowing off steam beyond burning one down. And trust me: that dude is really pious about his choices. If we brought him in to compete we’d never hear the end of it.”
“Even when we qualified we couldn’t get too crazy,” admitted streeter Alexis Sablone. “I just went home and watched ‘Riverdale’ and ate some gummies. Like, actual gummies. The kind without drugs in them.”
And now that they’re in Tokyo, the effects of the ban are even worse for some. “We’re trying our best to do everything the right way,” said park skater Brighton Zeuner, “but the Olympic Committee clearly isn’t doing the same for us. They think just because we get an unlimited supply of Funyuns, that everything is fine… and it’s like, we can’t even smoke. Nobody is eating those Funyuns!”
One might think that having no fans in attendance due to Covid restrictions might help alleviate the pressure, but sadly, it’s only added to the anxiety for some. “I’m all about safety, but not only do I miss the buzz of a crowd, I won’t even be able to find anyone who might have a little something-something if we win,” said Jake Ilardi. “Let me tell you, it’s gonna be real fun celebrating an epic victory with Bugles and Pepsi.”
Thankfully, there is still much optimism among the U.S. team, with all sights set squarely on victory. “I’m just trying to stay in the zone and keep my eye on the prize,” said park skater Heimana Reynolds. “We’ll top off our Gold with some Kona Gold when we get home, that’s for sure.”
“O.K., everyone,” interjected Nyjah Huston. “Time for Yoohoo shots!!!”
Johnny Sparkles is a Hawaii-born and based journalist, and stand up comedian whose debut album “Homeless Romantic” is available all over the internet. Twitter: @sparklesknows
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.