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Look, I know that asking your heroes to smoke with you is super passé, and we’re gonna wait until the Olympics all over so no one gets in trouble or anything. But like, we all agree — Simone Biles seems really cool, right? Like if the IOC wasn’t gonna get all up in her business, she might be down to hang at a chill place where the outside world can’t harsh her mellow too much?
There’s only one way to find out. I’m making the official invite: Simone Biles should come smoke with me and my friends!
I would imagine she needs a little chill session after the death-defying stunts she regularly performs — she can throw a double-double over a 4 inch piece of wood like she’s walking in her sleep! I can barely sit on the beam without falling off, and I definitely need to get high before and after I try.
Speaking of double-doubles, if she’s gonna be on break for a bit and the munchies hit when we’re kickin’ it, we could totally go get In-N-Out if she wants. I would love nothing more than to order all the garbage food, share this Olympics-themed bud (called “Simone Bowls,” btw), and just watch “Gymkata” with a living legend.
And I bet she’s got some crazy stories. Like, for sure she at some point got stuck on a strap bar flinging around in never-ending giants or something. Or maybe when she was training a reverse hecht she missed the bar and went flying backwards all the way across the gym to the p-bars?
But you know what? We can just forget gymnastics stuff altogether if that’s what she wants. If we get to hang, it’s totally her night. Hey Simone, if you’re reading this — do you play video games? You seem like you’d be into Smash, who do you main? Probably Sonic or Ness or something.
Anyway, Simone, please come smoke with us. I think it’d be super fun… and feel free to bring the rest of the Final Five. But, one caveat: please don’t bring anyone from the men’s team. Nothing against them, I’m sure they’re all awesome guys, but it’ll just make me so incredibly self conscious being surrounded by such ripped dudes.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.