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There are few traditions more quintessentially American than a hearty round of polo: a handful of slender chaps playing horse-hockey between spots of tea and finger sandwiches is about the most patriotic thing I can think of, and it’s a game I’d hate to see ruined by unauthorized drugs.
While, in my opinion, marijuana use doesn’t pose any real threat to the boys on horseback, I am nevertheless adamantly opposed to the idea of the horses themselves getting blitzed on chronic.
First and foremost, equine marijuana use is among the highest causes for injuries during polo matches, according to a reputable study which I am sure will be published in the very near future. Between riding horses, swinging sticks at a ball, and wearing football helmets from the 1910s, the risks involved for players of this game are high enough to insist these ponies don’t get stoned.
Additionally, it is common knowledge that horses live almost entirely on carrots that have been tied to the end of a string attached to a stick. Since a horse that’s blazed to the saddles will almost definitely become more munchie-motivated, the players would be forced to hold sticks in both hands, with no way of handling the pommel for support. Such a hazard would reduce the great tradition of polo to little more than an aristocratic rodeo, which I simply will not tolerate.
What about water polo, you might ask? While I’m not totally sure what water polo is, nor did I bother to research it, my deductive reasoning leads me to conclude that it is basically polo, but in a swimming pool, in which case… holy shit. Can you imagine how difficult that is? Sloshing around atop an irritated stallion while trying to find a ball that’s underwater? Add a zonked horse to the mix, and this already ridiculous game becomes a recipe for disaster.
Again, I would like to stress that I take no issue in the polo players themselves getting a little stoned before a match; in fact, I honestly can’t see this game being tolerable without the advent of cannabis, so I wouldn’t blame the people who actually play it for wanting to light up every now and again. But I’m still against the idea of anything with hooves taking bong rips before participating in professional sports.
We should do everything we can to keep the horses playing polo off the pot. And to anyone who disagrees, I suggest you get off your high horse, because you’re going to get yourself hurt.
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.