LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND — After the U.S. Anti Doping Agency discovered Olympic athlete Sha’Carri Richardson tested positive for cannabis, the International Olympic Committee is pushing to disqualify her entirely for fear she might purposely run all of her events in 4 minutes and 20 seconds.

“Playing sports is serious business. I will not have the Olympics turned into some kind of game,” said IOC President Thomas Bach, shaking his head in stern disappointment. “With this ridiculous disqualification following her positive test, we worry she may purposely slow-walk a 100-meter dash to 4:20 on the dot to make an example of us. She is human, after all.”

“Frankly, I wouldn’t blame her one bit if she did,” he later added. “Even I know this suspension is bullshit.”

When informed of the committee’s fears, Richardson simply commented, “Nice.”

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.