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NEW YORK — A recent demand by the National Football League Players Association (NFLPA) to allow the use of cannabis by NFL players is being met with strong consternation from owners across the league, and none more so than inebriated league commissioner Roger Goodell. 

“Who the hell do thosh shons of bishes think they are, trying to change my polishees?” said Goodell, finishing his 7th beer by deliberately spilling it on a stack of concussion lawsuits. “Don’t zey know that marijuana is ILLEGAL in shome of da states they play in? How would it look if I allowed them to play while committing crimshes? I mean, more crimshes than normal.”

Current Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Josh Gordon thinks Goodell and others are missing by the point. 

“Oh, so you suspend me for toking up occasionally, but you’ve got domestic abusers like Tyreek Hill still on an NFL roster? I suppose that’s the NFL ethos though, isn’t it? They love anyone who is a hard hitter on or off the field,” said an indignant Gordon. “Hit women, not bongs — that’s the lesson they’re teaching here. Maybe if I decided to relax by drinking until my liver became astroturf, though, they’d let me play. It’s marijuana people are OD’ing on after all; it’s not like alcohol poisoning is a thing. Fucking hypocrites.”

Other players agreed, chiming in about the NFL substance abuse policy. 

“I’m confused. The NFL is against drugs?” asked former player and linebacker Kevin Baker. “Because when I used to play, the NFL seemed pretty comfortable. Let’s see… I’d start the day with two cortisol shots in the knees to keep me mobile; I’d down a few Percocet ground into my applesauce because of the spinal pain; and before every game, I’d get two shots of Toradol into my shoulders so I’d hit harder. But, yeah — the NFL is clearly concerned with my health.” 

Unfortunately, a follow up with Roger Goodell the next morning found him less willing to answer questions than before. 

“Ungh. My fucking head,” said a hungover Goodell. “Ummm, yeah… the cannabis policy. We don’t want people committing self-harm. Marijuana causes CTE, don’t they know that? I mean, what else could it be? Now, would you leave me the fuck alone, because we’re not changing the policy. Where are my sunglasses?” 

Unsatisfied with this response, we asked the NFL for an official policy statement. In return, the NFL wrote a memo confirming that they would reconsider the cannabis policy if the cannabis industry paid them enough in sponsorship cash.  

Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram:

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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