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CHICAGO — The Chicago Cubs began replacing their trademark ivy-covered outfield wall with cannabis plants last week, embracing a new product placement opportunity for additional sponsorships and revenue.

“It was a no-brainer, really,” said Cubs’ President of Baseball Operations Jed Hoyer. “Bottom line, we had no idea how profitable this endeavor could be, but once we saw the possibilities and realized no major league team has fully leaned into cannabis culture yet, we thought it’d be criminal to miss out.” 

“A little bit of weed ain’t nothin’ to be afraid of,” agreed Cubs’ legend, Senior Advisor, and MLB Hall of Famer Billy Williams jubilantly.

Once recreational cannabis use became officially legal in Illinois at the start of 2020, behind-the-scenes negotiations quietly started taking place after hours. “Those were some pretty crazy nights,” said Director of Clubhouse Operations Vijay Tekchandani, “but some of the older front office people needed extra convincing. I needed to show them that the overall health of our team was still my main concern, but also clarify what a smart business decision this would be.”

Medical and wellness cannabis operators MightyLeaf have secured the corporate partnership with Wrigley Field, and while there have been no plans to set up a dispensary in the stadium, talks are underway for creating a designated cannabis lounge, to be named “Highlights.”

And the players are excited about it, too. 

“I used to play second base mostly,” said utility player Ian Happ, “but now, the plan is to have me in the outfield everyday, and this new wall deal will make the transition much easier. We’ve actually had a lot of infielders asking about moving out there, but there’s only so much room, and I already called my spot.”

Brewers’ great Christian Yelich said, “Well, that’ll make blowouts and pitchers duels a lot more interesting, I guess. If I’m hanging out in the Chicago sun in July watching a whole lot of nothing from the outfield, at least I’ll be able to pull a nug and blaze a fat cone, just like Hack Wilson used to.”

The first seeds have been planted among the drier parts of the existing ivy, and the plan is to have it fully covered by weed before the end of the 2022 season. In the meantime, however, Cubs officials warned fans yet again that they “…should not smoke the ivy they find in the outfield, or anywhere else, for that matter.”

Johnny Sparkles is a Hawaii-born and based journalist, and stand up comedian whose debut album “Homeless Romantic” is available all over the internet. Twitter: @sparklesknows

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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