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MEMPHIS, Tennessee— Desperate zookeepers who are completely out of ideas for how to get endangered pandas to start doing it have tried adding THC-infused bamboo to their diet as a last-ditch effort to get them to fuck already, according to several zookeepers.
“We are figuratively throwing the spaghetti against the wall on this one,” said zookeeper Heather Davison. “If this species is going to survive then we need them to start doing it as often as possible. We’ve tried using artificially synthesized sex pheromones, giving them toys, and displaying panda pornography. None of that has worked. That’s when Darren on our staff mentioned that he tends to get more in the mood for sex after smoking a J and we said screw it let’s try it.”
Fellow zookeeper Darren Wilson was proud to take credit for this plan.
“All I know is that when I burn one down I start to feel a little more frisky,” said Wilson as he cooked up some more butter to incorporate into the bamboo. “I thought maybe it would work for the pandas. Some people mentioned that this might cause an international incident because the pandas are technically on loan from China. We assured those folks that they’re totally right, maybe we shouldn’t have done this, and yes we are afraid. However, we are also afraid that if we don’t successfully breed them then the species will die out. So it’s a trade off. It seems to be working though as they’ve actually started mating as soon as they stopped looking at their own paws.”
The Memphis zoo veterinarian Grant Horsley who was on vacation at the time this plan started was shocked, appalled, and skeptical this plan would work.
“OK, first off, what the hell guys?” said a furious Horsley. “I’m going to ignore the implication that this is possible animal abuse for just one second to point out a more important fact, which is that THC use is associated with decreased sperm counts. Who cares if they’re doing it more often if you’re making their sperm less effective? This is just like the movie Kung Fu Panda except Po is now impotent. Wait, maybe it’s nothing like that movie at all. Look, I’m stressed OK? My coworkers messed up big here.”
When asked for comment about this story, Chinese government inspectors who visited the zoo were initially angry to hear what had happened. Things began to mellow out however with the officials finding humor in the situation after a nice meal of bamboo stir fry.
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stebbenwolfe/
