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MADISON, Wisc. — Smiling researchers at the University of Wisconsin’s Center for Tobacco Studies recently concluded their completely unnecessary study yesterday, finding that even for tobacco smokers, smoking cannabis after a rousing bout of sexual intercourse is also “really, really nice.”
“Oh, yeah — would 10-out-of-10 recommend to literally anybody,” remarked a sex-eyed Marcia Bellevue, who participated in the study. “Puts the ol’ post-coital cigarette to shame. Times have changed, and baby, and I am absolutely here for it. The incomparable rush of an orgasm via mild, albeit passionate prostate stimulation is best accompanied by a couple of bedside bong rips. I’m sorry, am I talking too much? I don’t want to ruin this.”
The statistical data garnered from the researchers reflected a staggering favorability rating for cannabis over traditional tobacco cigarettes as a means of winding down after some “downright goofball sex.” According to the study, when asked to rank their experience on a scale of one to five, 88% of the participants responded “five,” while 9% responded “yes” and the remaining 3% responded that they were “gonna need a minute.”
“I’m just glad to have been part of such a unique project,” said Dr. Dominique Rogers, who was responsible for the oversight and data collection of the study. “Getting people involved in volunteer studies is normally an arduous task, but for this one, it was surprisingly easy. We even had a couple participants say they’d pay to do it again. It made going to work as good as smoking weed after getting it on something vicious… which is a statement that is now backed by science.”
Researchers intentionally added different factors to certain groups within the study whose presence indicated that while post-sexual cannabis is “definitely awesome,” it can be impeded or enhanced by various stimuli. For example, participants experienced a significant decrease in mood when they were told, moments after doing the nasty, that they’d have to roll the joints themselves. Adversely, others experienced practically insurmountable joy when being served room-temperature pizza at the same juncture as their post-coital cannabis intake. “Some of this may have seemed obvious, but so does gravity after hundreds of years of perspective,” noted Dr. Sepp von Blake, who oversaw the placebo group. “We’re excited to see where else cannabis use can provide greater benefits than tobacco.”
After the success and shared pleasure of this experiment, the UW Center for Tobacco Studies is preparing to begin their next project: comparing the efficacy of cannabis versus tobacco on roller coaster rides.
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
