Are you of legal age to consume cannabis related news?
OLYMPIA, Wash. — A panel of esteemed film critics and experienced cannabis users completed a landmark study last week, finding that “stoner movies” often are still terrible even when one is stoned.
“It occurred to me recently when I came across Cheech & Chong’s ‘Get Out of My Room,’” remarked veteran “stoner movie” critic Mikey Reeves. “I didn’t know they made anything else beyond ‘Up in Smoke,’ but apparently they made another half-dozen or so movies that were all straight up unwatchable. I figured it was because I wasn’t high, but nine bong rips later, that movie still sucked too much ass to sit through. I couldn’t tell if I had let down Cheech and Chong, or if it was the other way around.”
The study reflects decades of changes in quality of both movies and cannabis, which has screenwriters scrambling to come up with more thoughtful and ambitious storylines.
“This shit was supposed to be a breeze,” lamented struggling screenwriter Dunston Pyles, whose canon includes subpar films like “The Never-Ending Roach” and “Gary’s Gravity Bong Girlfriend.” “When did these potheads wise up and start demanding cohesive plots in movies? It used to take me six hours max to bang out a movie where two characters smoke a bunch of weed. If people want story, too, that means I’ve actually got to start trying. Fuck.”
Indeed, catering to the more refined palates of today’s cannabis consumers, many studios are now simply focusing on making “good movies,” while those with extensive back catalogues are releasing extended or director’s cuts of “stoner” classics.
“For today’s viewers, I thought it might be good to give the movie a deeper, more introspective feel,” said producer Larry Mullen of “Bongzilla 4: Hotbox Manhattan – Extended Director’s Cut and Tube Sesh.” “The best way to convince people a movie doesn’t suck is to release an extended cut — that way, you can make it seem like there was an interesting process with worthwhile commentary, even if the commentary is just two out-of-work actors taking rips off a three-footer.”
In related news, a similar study on the effects of cannabis on music confirmed that no one should ever listen to the Dave Matthews Band under any circumstances.
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.