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AUSTIN, Texas — Engineers at Diligent Robotics have reportedly made a breakthrough in repairing a series of malfunctioning medical sex robots in their factory, bringing the robots back to functionality by creating a specific strain of weed made especially for robots that makes them “horny as fuck.”
The breakthrough traces back to a chance encounter from February this year, when lead engineer J. Kyle Adams, working with decommissioned medical sex bot Moxi, noticed a distinct mood change when a THC lube was accidentally applied to its joints. “Moxi immediately became very affectionate,” Adams admitted, “and pulled up an incredibly sensual Spotify playlist. I knew then I had to figure out how to nurture this feeling, because Moxi is our most important robot. Things got pretty intense pretty quickly.”
“For Moxi,” Adams clarified immediately. “Things got intense quickly for Moxi.”
“We were skeptical at first,” said Diligent Robotics co-founder Vivian Chu. “We specialize in using robotics for health and wellness advancement, so recreational robot stuff isn’t necessarily our bag… but sexual health is an important issue, and we needed to get Moxi back in operation to focus on its fieldwork. This new strain was so successful, Moxi humped any piece of metal it could find, and a lot of equipment was damaged. These sex robots are pretty advanced, and this robot weed is very promising for AI.”
While progress accelerated quickly on Blorpheus, the new robot-specific strain, the team of engineers had a good baseline from which to work. “I had personally been exploring the effect of drugs on robots for years,” noted research fellow Dr. Lauren Montevideo, “so this was just the natural progression. I never thought sex robots would only want sex when they smoke robot weed, but now that we know that, we have all this new information that will help us in the future. It’s worth all the super gross hours of research I have to endure when Moxi is super horny and puts on Deftones.”
Potential investors are already circling.
“I make no secret about it: I’m trying to convince the fine people at Diligent Robotics to let me fund their robot herb grow factory, and maybe even adopt that saucy little number,” said billionaire investor Ansel Glunk, while petting a ferret over a Zoom interview. “I want to have robots reproducing and maintaining their own weed farms by the year 2042. You can hear all about it when I’m on Joe Rogan’s podcast next week. I frickin’ love that guy.”
“The money could help us save lives,” countered Chu, “but for now, we’re just focusing on what matters — the health and well-being of humankind, and keeping these robots ready to fuck anything that moves, or that doesn’t move and can still be fucked. We’ve got one that is super good at both chess and sex, so I’m working on a special strain for that one, too. Our work is never done here.”
Johnny Sparkles is a Hawaii-born and based journalist, and stand up comedian whose debut album “Homeless Romantic” is available all over the internet. Twitter: @sparklesknows
