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“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then from whence comes evil?”

These are the words of David Hume, a quasi-chill dude from like the 1600s. He argued that a God that is truly benevolent, all-knowing, and all-powerful would not have created a universe that contains evil — as any willing and able God would have created a universe without it. Meanwhile, others claim that God creates obstacles intentionally, but so that we may better ourselves in overcoming them. 

Me? I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle. I believe God is a down, badass woman, who gives us obstacles simply to point us to who and what we should naturally be doing if we read them right. That’s why she gave me an anxiety disorder, knowing it would drive me to rip mad bong — which is obviously tight.

For example, some might say, “God creates harsh weather in order for humans to design and build beautiful buildings.” But knowing who God is, I say she creates harsh weather as a reminder that smoking inside isn’t actually that smelly and can be real pleasant if you open a window, use a fan, and light a candle. Also, smoking outside cool buildings can be dope sometimes as well, as long as it’s in a chill city like Tucson, or Boulder.

And honestly, the more I look at it, the more I realize this reasoning applies to all of the dumb things life might throw at you. I’ve heard some say God created loneliness so we’d be driven to build communities, and I think they’re right: why else would we have Tool concerts, where you can trip on AMT or some other compound she gave us the power to create as long as your boy Dusty who drove agrees to stay sober?

You can break it down further: I think God created white chocolate in order for us to appreciate actual chocolate more. I think God probably created “Star Wars” so that we could all see that “Star Trek” is better. I think God created Phish so that we could collectively be like, “Dude, fuck this,” and find way better bands, like Holy Mountain, or Dopesmoker.

If God didn’t want me using cannabis, she’d never have given me this anxiety disorder. 

Please go tell my therapist for me?

David Thunderstorm brings you the unfiltered truth from Washington, D.C.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.