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Spring is upon us, and if you’re anything like me, you want to get outside and make the most of it after a long, harsh winter. Sometimes, when I do something that really rejuvenates me, I think, “I should really smoke a blunt now.” And then I do. Other times when I think that, I simply roll a blunt… and then? That’s right, I’ll smoke it.

There’s nothing like doing an activity, and then seeing where it goes. That’s what I do. Check out these five wellness tips for making the most out of your Spring.

  1. Learn to chop wood. Find a tree, chop it down. Take the logs, and chop them into smaller logs. Put those smaller logs through an industrial machine — one that cuts them into thin sheets. Process the thin sheets so they are pliable. Refrain from adding bleach or dye, but feel free to add flavoring… maybe grape, or chocolate. Cut the processed sheets into small strips. What’s that? Yup, you’re placing cannabis on top of the thin strips, then rolling them into a cylinder. Light one end of the cylinder on fire, and inhale from the other end.
  2. Work on your finger dexterity. Place your hands on a table, with the weight of your hand supported by your fingertips — as if your hand was standing on your fingers, like a spider. Now move your hand up and down, like a pushup. Nice. Grab the metal cylinder next to you, and twist that thing around and around, working those wrist muscles. Oh shit, now you’ve got some Zig Zags? Perfect. Use your fingers to unroll the wrap in a full range of motion. Remember that cylinder from before? Open it up. What’s inside? OG Kush, nerd. Put that shit in the wrap, and roll it up. For an extra hand exercise, hold a lighter in an ignited position near the wrap until it hardens into a shell.
  3. Go outside for a hike. Go to a nice wooded area and find a path, alright? Start walking on that path. You see some deer, you see a nice pond… no frogs today? That’s a shame, but keep going. The path is starting to slope upwards, which is good. Keep hiking. Walk past a small cave, and see a little beaver come out of it. Find some mushrooms that you get excited about and say the latin name of, because you’re one of “those” people. You might see a snake, and maybe even a vulture, but you need to calm down, because the trees are starting to clear, and you’ll be on top of a mountain with a beautiful view of where you live. You can see a bald eagle, you can see the building you live in, you can see the blunt in your hand… and you can now see that I’m telling you to smoke it.
  4. Study botany. If you don’t already know where this is going, go ahead and buy some books on botany. Take your time, study up, familiarize yourself with the rich world of flora. Start buying different seeds, and move to a state like Oregon or California. Put those seeds in the ground. Oh shit, that’s cannabis you’ve planted? Crazy. Well, that’s a decision you’ve made, free from my influence, but once it’s grown and ready, maybe you should put it in a fucking blunt and smoke it. Yeah, that might take some time, but now is as good a time as any to practice exactly how you’d smoke it when it’s ready.
  5. Smoke a blunt already. Look, I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty ready to smoke a blunt, and I’m starting to wonder if you have any ability to read subtext. I don’t know anything about woodchopping, or hiking, finger dexterity, or fucking botany. It’s taken like, 520 words, and apparently I’m still not getting through to you. Do me a favor and Google “How to read between the goddamn lines,” and then smoke yourself a fat blunt to celebrate.

David Thunderstorm is a popular wellness and blunt enthusiast. Find him smoking blunts wherever blunts are smoked.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.