Santa Hoping He Gets a Few More Houses Done Before That Last Cookie Hits

LITTLETON, Co. — Santa Claus, Father Christmas himself, has allegedly grown panicky and rushed as he hurries to deliver as many Christmas gifts as he can before the effects of a homemade edible threaten the successful completion of his yearly ride. “I just got this delicious fudge and crushed pretzel, the highlight cookie of the night, during the last part of my ride in Colorado… but as soon as I swallowed, my taste buds were bombarded with dank,” said a jolly but increasingly anxious St. Nick as he tossed a handful of gift cards at an apartment building outside of Provo, Utah. “This is why I don’t bother going to the Netherlands anymore — I send some elves instead. I’ve gotten dosed enough in my life to know better, especially that early in the night. Fucking Denver. I should’ve known.” Residents of Olympia, Wash. later reported a low-flying red object dropping Kinder Surprise wrappers and blasting Rush’s “2112.”

Kyle Stanley remembers to leave Santa some Pepperidge Farm. @KGordonStanley on Twitter.

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