Republican Senator Recalls Tragic Day Marijuana Shot Abraham Lincoln

ATLANTA  — Incumbent Georgia Senator David Perdue claimed yesterday, during a debate with Democratic challenger Jon Ossoff ahead of the January 5th runoff election, that he would be more on-board with the legalization of recreational marijuana if it wasn’t for the drug’s role in the assassination of former President Abraham Lincoln. 

“I simply cannot condone the legalization of a drug that murdered Abraham Lincoln in cold blood,” said a tearful Perdue while gazing into a locket necklace with Abraham Lincoln’s portrait. “We all know the story: Abraham and Mary Todd were enjoying a night out at Ford’s Theater when marijuana crept up from behind and shot President Lincoln in the back of the head. Truly, one of the most tragic moments in American history.”

Several Republican congressmen confirmed Perdue’s story, including Sen. Lindsey Graham — who explained that marijuana’s assasination of the 16th President was a key motivator in the Reagan administration’s expansion of the “war on drugs.”

“Reagan was initially skeptical when Republicans told him that marijuana shot Abraham Lincoln. But that all changed when Reagan himself was shot by marijuana,” said Graham. “Once he was out of the hospital, he vowed that marijuana would never shoot a Republican lawmaker ever again. It’s our job to carry on that legacy by giving anyone caught with the drug a mandatory prison sentence.” 

President Trump seemed to agree, retweeting a photo of what appeared to be a brick of cannabis with cartoonishly large eyes and white gloves pointing a pistol at the back of Abraham Lincoln’s head, with a caption that read, “LINCOLN SHOT BY WEED! NEVER FORGET. VERY SAD! DEMOCRATS PRO MURDER? LOWEST UNEMPLOYMENT EVER!”

However, while Republicans have called the story fact, historians specializing in the era have been openly skeptical. 

“I didn’t think I’d ever need to say this, but I’d like to clarify that Abraham Lincoln was not assassinated by a sentient brick of marijuana,” said Professor Julie Wong, a Civil War historian. “Now, I could elaborate on that, but I really shouldn’t have to. Instead, I’m going to keep drinking absinthe until I forget any of this happened.”  

Democratic Speaker of the House Rep. Nancy Pelosi also disputed Perdue’s comments.

“This is obviously a sad warping of history by Republicans to cover up their unwillingness to keep up with the times and cater to what voters really want,” said Pelosi. “We would never do something like that. Also, Bernie Sanders was actually the one against integrated busing in the 70s. It totally wasn’t Joe Biden.”

Jonah Nink writes comedy for The Hard Times, The Chicago Machine, and Jumpkick, and real news for UIC Radio. @mymanjonah

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