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WASHINGTON — After weeks of interest and inquiry into the unclassified military report on decades of UFO sightings, Democrats in the U.S. Senate held a press conference this week proposing a long-awaited federal cannabis legalization bill, hoping to distract millions of citizens.
“Sure, we’re excited to see people excited about outer space and the possibility of life elsewhere. But there really isn’t any need to get too deep into it, because we all know there is absolutely no reason to worry about a situation exactly like the plot of ‘Independence Day’ happening in the next two to five years,” said Senate Majority Leader, Chuck Schumer (D-NY) in introducing the legislation for legalization. “So stop asking questions as if that has an 83.7% likelihood. When you stop asking questions, you don’t have to hear us say we know nothing. But anyway, how about legalized weed, though? That’d be pretty cool, I think.”
“Right?” jumped in Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ), visibly sweating while pulling the curtains behind him shut as a large object descended from the sky outside the briefing room. “Don’t you all just want to hear about legal weed and see what kind of crazy hijinks we can get into with that, instead of some story about how beings from another planet could literally destroy us without us ever seeing what we think are their faces?”
“Cannabis legalization is long overdue, and it’s time to act on it,” Booker added. “So, let’s all go get high and watch a movie. But not, like, ‘Mars Attacks’ or something like that.”
While there is some hesitancy amongst Congressional leaders, others are seemingly jumping with both feet before any form of legalization takes place. Indeed, Senate Finance Committee Chairman Ron Wyden (D-OR) was seen lighting a joint and taking a long drag, leaning back to blow perfect smoke circles as his left ear seemed to detach slightly from his head, revealing what appeared to be a green skin before pressing it back on. Unphased, he asked, “Does anyone want to talk about all the tax revenue the cannabis industry could create nationwide with this new bill? Call me crazy, but I think we should talk about that… instead of how much tax revenue and lives could be lost from talking more about the UFOs. Which is a lot, I assure you.”
Obviously there wasn’t going to be a legalization bill introduced without some opposition, as shown by Senate Minority Whip, John Thune (R-SD) bursting into the room with blue goo on his coat and a fire ablaze behind him before the door quickly shut. “These UFOs might exist, and even might not. Who knows?” he told reporters. “But you know what we actually know? If we legalize cannabis, people are going to consume it. Yes, God put this plant here, but then God also put us here to stop other people from using it.”
After announcing the first bill, Democrats immediately introduced a second bill to make any further UFO sightings a felony, with wide bipartisan support.
Joe Rapp is an improviser, graphic designer and unknown local celebrity in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter @fakejoerapp
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.