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WASHINGTON — Senate proceedings ground to a halt last week during a debate about placing potential restrictions or an outright ban on gun-shaped bongs, sending Congressional Republicans into deep confusion and woe.
“It pains me to have to show this to you, my esteemed colleagues,” bemoaned Arkansas Sen. John Boozman to the hall of horrified gasps and shrieks that greeted his unveiling of the image of a smoking, glass handgun packed with cannabis. “But something has to be done about this, I’ll say it, abomination. This imposter of a firearm, when dropped, shatters into tiny little pieces instead of going off and possibly killing someone nearby. For that reason alone, it must be stopped — never mind the fact that whoever possesses this can smoke cannabis from it.”
Indeed, many Republicans were immediate and uncompromising in their passionate reactions to what they had just been shown.
“It’s horrible to look at,” shuddered Louisiana Sen. Bill Cassidy from behind his desk, his fists clenched around a stuffed AR-15. “Like a mirage promising water in the arid Mojave, this diabolical contraption lures you in with false hope for something beautiful. At first glance, it’s the shiniest glass pistol you’ve ever seen… but upon further inspection, it’s evident that the smoke coming from it is that of burnt cannabis, not a lethal projectile. I feel so bamboozled, I could throw up.”
“The Bible is very clear on this,” agreed Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, whose physical appearance is statistically the goofiest of anyone who does not use cannabis. “There are several passages I could quote from memory regarding the sin of lying about guns, though I have no intention of sharing them with you. But to make me look at a super neat see-through gun, and then tell me that not only can I not shoot it, but that folks are gonna smoke pot out of it? In the great state of Texas, that’s a declaration of war.”
Democrats, while confused as to why anyone would invent such a thing, had very little issue with the device overall.
“Look, if someone wants to smoke cannabis like this, I don’t see why they shouldn’t,” said Colorado Sen. Michael Bennett. “Yes, it’s kind of grim that you load the bong back at the hammer and inhale by sliding the barrel into your mouth, but that’s clearly the most effective way to make a gun-shaped bong. Really, I thought my Republican colleagues would be all about this — especially since they claim to stand for unequivocal personal freedom.”
Mark Lineau, inventor of the “Budmaster,” made a public statement on his personal Facebook page. “This is merely politicized defamation of a perfectly good piece,” he decried, “both of the pistol itself and it’s cousin, the Shotgun.”
As the debate of a ban on the gun-shaped bongs heats up, sales are reportedly up over 670% as consumers rush to buy them before they might leave the market.
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.