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COLUMBUS, Ohio — Republican state senator Tricia Jayson had an apparent change of heart on marijuana legalization last week, after seeing that she could make more money on legal cannabis stocks than from her shares in a private prison company.
“I am a large believer in the free market and its ability to decide what is best for everyone,” said Jayson. “The free market used to tell me that locking people up in private prison facilities is what’s best for my constituents — now, the free market is telling me that legal marijuana is what is best for my constituents. I don’t know how this invisible hand of the market works, but it’s message on what’s best for my constituents is loud and clear.”
Jayson’s reconsideration has roiled her inner circle. Some say she’s always been a quiet advocate for capitalizing on legalization under the umbrella of libertarianism, while others point to her public track record of benefiting from “tough on crime” legislation.
Either way, the change in policy created some issues for campaign spokesperson Amy Johnson.
“After campaigning for many years on the dangers of cannabis and how smoking it will turn you into a member of al-Qaeda, it’s not easy to retool our messaging,” said an exasperated Johnson. “I like how she leaned into her core belief of capitalism here, though: now if anyone asks, we just say that people who don’t smoke pot are a bunch of communists. Which, once again, is a bit of an inconsistency in our messaging, but honestly, what won’t people swallow at this point?”
Larry Hoser, CEO of private prison company PrisonCare, was nonplussed about Jayson’s decision to disinvest from his company and instead buy shares of the MSO conglomerate WeedCorp.
“I just don’t understand why she would give up on his private prison stocks so quickly,” said Hoser. “Look, I understand that there’s money to be made, so please go ahead and make it. But if you’re going to make cannabis legal, then why not make something else trivial illegal? You could go super hard on jaywalking and that could fill up our prisons. Or maybe criminalize fidget spinners?”
Democratic Senator Roy Ribagliano felt compelled to point out the hypocrisy of this whole thing.
“You shouldn’t stop investing in private prisons just because you can’t make money off of it anymore — you should stop investing in private prisons because they are morally wrong,” said Ribagliano. “Instead, do what I do, and buy ETFs and index funds that may or may not be tied up in private prison interests. That way you can have plausible deniability when someone accuses you of profiting off the suffering of others.”
Thankfully, Sen. Jayson may have found a solution that can work for all parties. “Tricia worked it out so I can have exclusive grow rights in the state of Ohio, and I can convert old prison space to do it while my prisoners tend the buds for next to nothing,” Hoser said. “Truly, the system works.”
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.