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SOUTH BEND, Ind. — Sources from the Hoosier state are reporting that former Democratic Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg has finally come out in support of federal cannabis legalization, just as long as it “doesn’t smell too icky.”
Buttigieg’s proposal, while completely out of the scope of his new position as the U.S. Secretary of Transportation, seeks to promote unoffensively safe, responsible cannabis use, which many say will be a popular position for anyone running for President in 2024 or later.
“I used to just look at weed as a way to score brownie points from my superiors in the Navy when I would rat out fellow officers for sneaking off to smoke. But now that cannabis has gained a lot of popularity across the country, I’m ready to support it if it slightly bumps my approval number in the polls,” said Buttigieg. “When it comes to weed, I personally just can’t get down with the icky smell, and I can’t be alone in that. I figure the only way we legalize is if there is a federal mandate on sploofing and lighting lemon-lavender candles before, during and after every smoke session.”
“I’ve been told by my parents that it’s a gateway drug. And I’m assuming that icky smell is the gateway into getting into harder drugs,” added Buttigieg. “I don’t like the idea of kids sniffing around looking for weed when they should be in a chess club or preparing to attend Harvard.”
Those who have known Buttigieg well, however, aren’t sure the former candidate won’t narc on them if he feels he needs to do so.
“Pete was beyond annoying in college. He’d put the RA’s number into his phone and threaten to call them immediately if we didn’t get rid of the smell pronto,” said Buttigieg’s old college roommate Colin Jost. “I drove myself crazy with all sorts of gimmicks to cover the aroma: I tried using incense, scented candles, peanut butter, and just about anything I could get my hands on, but it never was enough for him. That man has the nose of a badger or some shit.”
To his credit, Buttigieg and his team have teamed up with the UC-Berkeley Cannabis Research Center to specifically find the strains of cannabis that don’t smell too icky to legalize.
“We must have presented him hundreds of strains by now, but he’d always react the same way: he’d just frown and say, ‘Eww… no, no, too icky. I don’t want kids smelling that,’ to anything we presented,” stated Postdoctoral Cannabis Researcher Hekia Bodwitch. “I’m not used to having this much of my time be wasted. Before he visited we were making huge progress in finding ways to use cannabis to prevent life-threatening seizures in children with epilepsy. Now I’m stuck listening to this chipmunk shit on all our greatest flower all day. It’s beyond frustrating.”
Although he’s no longer serving as the nation’s Vice President, fellow Hoosier Mike Pence couldn’t help but chime in on Buttigieg’s changed stance on cannabis legalization.
“Young Pete is on a slippery slope. Weed just doesn’t smell icky: it’s icky for your soul, and almost a greater sin than homosexuality, which I know he’s already struggling with,” expressed Pence. “We may have our differences, but I will be praying for him to get back in God’s corner.”
Nothing yet has passed Buttigieg’s “icky test,” but large-scale cannabis grower Mammoth Farms hopes to change that by developing strains that smell like vanilla and chamomile with added essential oils.
Christopher Charles Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. IG: @Chris_Jones_Creates
