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WASHINGTON — Preparing for an onslaught of tax returns in the next few weeks, representatives for the Internal Revenue Service confirmed today that they are willing to accept cannabis as payment for taxes moving forward, so long as the payment is not mids.
“Legally speaking, the federal government cannot accept money made through the sale of cannabis,” said IRS agent Erik Pyle. “However, due to a 1795 piece of agricultural legislation, we are legally able to accept certain ‘commodities’ as payment for taxes, which includes hemp and affiliated products. Thankfully, President Washington wasn’t a square, and demanded the inclusion of language stating that it had to be ‘that good shit.’ We’ve interpreted this to mean that it must be of dank quality.”
“Naturally, payment must be applied using form INT-420. We IRS guys like to have fun,” added Pyle. “We’re fun people.”
The marked shift from paying taxes explicitly in U.S. currency comes after a string of legal challenges demanding the tax code be enforced as founding Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton intended, which would better meet the changing needs of modern Americans. However, while happy to see their tax paying options increase, average taxpayer Leah Meyerholtz felt their demand for “dank quality” was ridiculous and noted that the change still doesn’t address the root problems of the U.S. tax system.
“Do I look like I’m made out of dank?” said an annoyed Meyerholtz, a part-time server at an Ashland, Ky. Applebee’s. “This is another example of how broken the tax system in this country is: if we had a truly fair graduated progressive income tax in this country, then the poor could pay in schwag, the middle class could naturally pay in mids, doctor-level rich would be paying in dank, and the hyper-wealthy would be expected to pay with straight-up, God’s vagina-level stuff. But that’s taxes for you.”
While the “dank” requirement may be too much for some individuals, tax professional Harvey Panarin insists there are several work-arounds one could employ to skirt these rules.
“The biggest loophole to exploit is with the ‘baked goods’ rule: you bake whatever quality you want into some brownies, and those dorks at the IRS can’t tell the difference,” explained Panarin. “You could also try coating your mids with resin to artificially boost the THC content. Or if worst comes to worst, you could just pay your taxes using real money like a normal person. But where’s the fun in that?”
UPDATE: Several red-eyed IRS agents asked us to further inform people that if they would be willing to ship some Funyuns along with their cannabis payments, “that would just be super.”
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stebbenwolfe/
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.