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WASHINGTON — President-elect Joe Biden’s son Hunter is no stranger to controversy. However, some in Washington are clutching their pearls over a recent decision to grant Hunter Biden’s personal weed hookup a Level 3 security clearance in time for today’s inauguration.

According to Biden’s connect himself, cannabis entrepreneur Michael Ladsby, the decision isn’t all that surprising. “I have a lot of clients all over the capital, so it makes sense that they’re giving me clearance. I’m in and out of secure locations anyway. Might as well make it official,” the boutique dealer said. “I have to thank Hunter for the ‘in’ — if it wasn’t for him being such a wild child, he wouldn’t have been able to put me in touch with all of his dad’s friends who need to unwind tonight.”

Granting a “personal contraband attendant” security clearance is by no means unusual, with several past U.S. Presidents granting their own some degree of clearance to make coming and going from secure locations easier. “Kennedy had multiple confidants throughout his term, but Carter was the first to do it in an official capacity, I think,” Presidential historian Jacob Rook said. “He had a guy getting him whatever he needed under the guise of the White House solar panel project, and after his term, we didn’t see it again until Bill Clinton.” 

Indeed, former President Clinton, notorious for telling America that he “did not inhale,” was well known on Capitol Hill for his love affair with cannabis. “The budget surplus would’ve been another half a billion dollars in 1998 if Bill hadn’t been stoned and running to McDonalds all the time,” said former House Speaker Dennis Hastert. “He was smart about it, though — he hid it in the military budget so the Republicans wouldn’t care, just as long as we spent more than Russia.”

And while many point out that cannabis is legal in the District of Columbia, Ladsby is prized for his discretion. “You’d be really shocked at who I’m delivering to on both sides of the aisle. A lot of these politicians, they could lose their entire political career over being caught with any amount of grass,” he said, looking over his shoulder before showing off the modified T-shirt cannon he had stowed in his bag. “I’m discreet, and I can get the stuff to them without being noticed. I’ve also got a small fleet of drones I’ve been using, and a whole wardrobe of disguises, so if you’re in D.C. and you need someone who can make Deep Throat look like Stormy Daniels, ask around and I’ll help you out.”

In related news, the Secret Service today gleefully withdrew Jared Kushner’s security clearance and protections. 

Bryant Smith is a comedian based out of Chattanooga, TN and can be seen performing throughout the Southeast once the pandemic is quelled.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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