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WASHINGTON — The slim Democratic majority coalition continued to fracture this week, battling anew to pass President Biden’s agenda against the backdrop of the latest wedge issue: whether or not CBD actually does anything.

“Nobody talked strategy at the leadership meeting this week,” House Democratic Caucus Chairman Rep. Hakeem Jeffries said. “I kept hearing ‘hemp’ a lot and at first thought it was about some agriculture bill. But then I heard things like ‘anxiety’ and ‘Delta-9,’ and eventually ‘CBD.’ Nobody can seem to agree whether or not that stuff is actually useful, and it’s tearing us apart worse than any of our half-hearted attempts to pass meaningful legislation.”

Reports of the rift began circulating after Rep. Henry Cuellar was seen arguing in the House cafeteria with Rep. Ayanna Pressley late Thursday morning over whether or not a CBD tincture Cuellar purchased helped or hurt his sleeping pattern. Throughout the day, Democrats could be seen in half-shadows talking in hushed voices and using dramatic hand gestures.

Interestingly, the rift does not seem to be split purely along ideological lines, as notable centrists Sens. Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema, plus the more liberal Rep. Pramila Jayapal, have all claimed CBD is akin to a “wonder drug.”

“CBD naturally reduces anxiety, and has been extremely helpful in my efforts to find any common ground with my Republican colleagues… even if those attempts kill me, my career, and our environment within the next 30 years,” said Sen. Manchin. “Lower stress is absolutely a bipartisan issue.”

“I’m whacked out on CBD right now!” added Sen. Sinema, unprompted.

Meanwhile, those claiming the benefits of CBD are only a placebo effect range from those on the far left of the party like Rep. Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez to the more moderate Sen. Amy Klobuchar. 

“The only thing CBD does is distract from the fact that Congress continues to prevent further research into the potentially life-saving benefits of so-called Schedule I drugs like cannabis and psilocybin,” said Rep. Ocasio-Cortez. “Anyone who thinks CBD being legal is good enough, or that it even provides any actual benefits at all, has clearly never tried the real thing.”

“I was high exactly once in my life,” said Sen. Klobuchar. “Meanwhile, I’ve tried CBD dozens of times, and all it did was make my seltzer taste worse. If there’s a use for it beyond funding Ponzi schemes across the country, I can’t figure out what it is.”

For his part, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer is doing his best to keep the coalition intact. “This minor disagreement within our caucus is simply about how our hardworking members of Congress can best blow off a little steam,” said Schumer. “But it will in no way have any effect on our ambitious agenda to Build Back Better.” 

Yet he immediately followed that statement with, “But all these people who think CBD helps with their anxiety or acne or whatever are idiots.”

Meanwhile, as Democrats continued to debate the efficacy of CBD, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell united both House and Senate Republicans on a bill that would let Americans as young as four shoot to kill any lawmaker they suspect of even thinking of the word “vaccine.” 

When reached for comment, a representative for Sen. McConnell said, “Oregano? Sorry, we don’t give comments to food blogs.”

Bradley Machov is a writer and improviser in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Twitter @bradleymachov

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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