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WASHINGTON — In keeping with Thanksgiving tradition, President Joe Biden granted a pardon to two clueless turkeys yesterday instead of restoring justice to the thousands of Americans who remain behind bars for offenses related to marijuana.
“Here’s the deal,” Biden slurred during a speech on the White House lawn. “I understand the issues that concern the average American most. Heck, I begin each day by pulling my navy blue slacks over my adult diaper and heading to work, just like everyone else. So I get that this nation wants to see flightless birds who’ve committed no crimes be ceremonially pardoned, and for those incarcerated for some perfectly harmless marijuana possession to remain in prison indefinitely. Well, I hear you, America. And I am getting the job done.”
Despite his relatively low approval rating of late, Biden’s core voting base of milquetoast elites celebrated the President’s decision to continue doing absolutely nothing about the moral bankruptcy and inherent racism of cannabis criminalization.
“The President is following through with the promises he made during his campaign,” claimed Margaret Fulton, a Biden supporter who drives a white Mercedes SUV. “Moderate Democrats like myself wanted an ineffective crony to replace Cheeto Nazi, and that’s exactly what we got with Biden. We wanted to feel inspired by the potential of change while remaining certain that no actual change would ever occur. If he keeps the potheads enslaved by the prison industrial complex and pardons a turkey each November, anyone who really supports him will be pleased as punch.”
Perhaps even more elated by Biden’s lack of initiative to reverse the systemic oppression of people who have done something that is essentially legal for any white person who can afford a lawyer was the nation’s turkey population.
“Shit, I thought I was a goner,” gobbled Peanut Butter, who was selected along with Jelly to be this year’s pardoned turkeys. “November is always a terrifying month for us turkeys, but I really thought this year was the year I’d meet my maker. But our gracious President chose to overlook my years of tax evasion and wire fraud, and he let me live another day. I’m A-O.K. with our country’s prisons being stuffed with nonviolent marijuana offenders if it means us turkeys don’t get stuffed with veggies and wet bread.”
Several sources confirmed that upon the President’s pardoning of the turkey, several of his nieces and nephews announced that they would “be right back” and that they were “just going for a walk.”
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
