Pharma Bro Resolves to Leverage Weed Again in New Year

TUCSON, Ariz. — On the verge of the new year, Ryder Bowman of Bowman Pharmaceuticals is placing his New Year’s resolution in lining his own pockets by leveraging cannabis again.

While many in the industry are experimenting with how to better utilize the lengthy list of medical-related benefits of cannabis, Bowman says those companies are just focused on “the wrong kind of green.” Last year the company, and Bowman in particular, profited greatly off their limited cannabis-related offerings led by their half-weed, half-arugula dietary supplement Herbivore, as well as their Cannafizz™ fizzing anti-anxiety candy. But Bowman Pharmaceuticals, at the specific behest of Bowman, will add “that good stuff” to its entire portfolio in the coming year. 

With the fragile state of the economy — worsened by the pandemic — 2021 could be the year more and more state lawmakers approve full legalization, and Bowman is pinning his New Year goals to filling his piggy bank with that “sweet coinage” on the back of an industry just trying to be fully understood. “What folks don’t get is how synergistic weed is with pharma products and how much bank can be made,” said Bowman in his haze-filled office overlooking a cubical farm of underpaid workers trying to figure out how to market a cannabis-infused anti-seizure gumball. “I see my workers out there, and I’m still just like them. When I get home, I still close the gates, feed my giraffe a dinner of smaller giraffes and light my joints with $10 bills, just like anyone else. It’s all here for the taking.”

For “Bow-dawg,” as he insisted he be called, it’s not so much about promoting positive cannabis use or securing his employees’ well-being, as it is about how safe recreational and medicinal use can directly put more money in his personal bank account this year. “Gotta pay for the Bugatti and blow somehow,” he laughingly remarked as he finished urinating in his private bathroom with gold, fan-leaf print hemp wallpaper.  

“Our entire portfolio will be the dopest in the world, and take advantage of weed so hard that I’ll finally be able to buy a private island,” Bowman stated as he scoped out a listing online for a tropical paradise currently owned by a Saudi prince. “The whole Bowman Pharma fam and weed market are really making this happen for me, because that’s what families do — they help their parents do better than they do.”

Indeed, photoshopped pictures of Bowman’s self-titled “Weed Island” are taped to the top of the sales goals whiteboards all over Bowman Pharmaceuticals offices, with everything else crossed out. “He’s been launching foam darts at the sales team for the past two weeks and asking, ‘How much money are you going to make me with weed in the new year?’” reported Regional Sales Leader Tanya Stevens. “Sure, it’s humiliating, but just having a job is the new promotion, and at least I have one.”

Joe Rapp is an improviser, graphic designer and unknown local celebrity in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter @fakejoerapp

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