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LOS ANGELES — Joining the ranks of dog parents and cat parents, Randy Marcus has announced his status as ‘weed parent’ and begun pushing a stroller around the park with their de facto ‘child’ inside.
“When people become ‘dog parents’ they say it’s like practicing for a child, right?” Marcus said while gently caressing a massive clump of cannabis. “Well, how is this any different? I have a thing I care deeply about. I love it, nurture it, care for it, and clean up after it!”
“I might even say weed is more like a child than a dog or cat. Think about it, weed parents and regular parents: always super tired, have trouble focusing on anything besides their child, everyone around us always wants to spend time with our children, always annoying everyone by never shutting up about our children; we’re more alike than people realize!” Marcus continued while softly singing a lullaby to the pile of weed sprinkled in a crib in their living room.
In regards to taking the weed to the park, Marcus proceeded, “The air is good for it, it needs to get outside and breath that fresh atmosphere, get some vitamin D, really have a chance to grow. So we go for walks… and everyone knows bringing your baby to the park in a stroller is a great way to meet and flirt with people!”
Marcus dumped the remaining weed from the crib into the stroller while continuing.
“And just like with regular parents, you can not under any circumstances let a stranger hold your baby… the other day someone who I thought seemed trustworthy snapped one of my baby’s limbs right from his body and ran off with it! I saw a plume of smoke rise in the distance as they set my baby on fire!”
Marcus eventually commented on the obvious difference, eventually adding, “I guess the one difference for a weed parent is instead of eventually sending the kid to college or whatever, I swaddle it in a gutted cigar paper then get balls to the wall baked on it. But other than that, exactly the same thing!”
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
