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QAnon is one of the most polarizing and controversial online conspiracy groups in existence, and their often ridiculous claims have been touted by celebrities, members of Congress, and even a former President.
Curious as to how such a far-out subculture could reach this level of influence, we interviewed Waxd&Unvaxdd69, a dedicated QAnon follower and conspiracy theorist. And while absolutely none of what we discussed was based in any sort of fact or reality, we have to admit: by being so unbelievablystupid and nonsensical, it was way more compelling than it had any right to be.
Oregano: To get started, why don’t you tell us when you first became affiliated with QAnon?
Waxd&Unvaxdd69: A few years ago, I was in kind of a rut. Everyone I knew had these personalities, interests, talents… and I knew that there was only one explanation: that they’re all either aliens, or pedophiles, or both! So when I found some like-minded truth-seekers on Reddit, I dove right in. You guys like krokodil?
O: Very interesting, and no, we don’t. Explain to us what QAnon is all about, and how that message resonates with you.
W: Q theories have one overarching premise: whatever the most cartoonishly absurd takeaway from a major news story is, that’s the truth. Otherwise, we’re just racist virgins living in a world of boring, easily-explained happenings, and where’s the fun in that? Speaking of fun, y’all should really get in on this krokodil. You’ll feel like you’re on a psychedelic tour bus in the seventh circle of Hell. It’s awesome.
O: Again, we’re good on the krokodil. Moving right along… When President Trump first began repeating some of the claims originally purported by QAnon, how did that make you feel?
W: Oh, I felt all kinds of emotions… elation, confusion, ecstasy, frenzy, paranoia, fear, and a mean, subcutaneous itchiness that caused me to scratch my right calf muscle down to the bitty bone. But in hindsight, that could very well have been the krokodil. By the way, the offer to share some with you guys is still on the table.
O: Okay, you seem pretty dead-set on trying to get us to do krokodil…
W: That’s because blowin’ kroke is the only effective way to stop the robot spiders hiding in your phone to keep from crawling into your ear and reprogramming your noggin to bend to the imperious will of liberal elites! Also, it’s the fuckin’ bomb! Like, imagine gazing at the rings of Saturn from an airplane made of chocolate while ten sexy little goblins suck each one of your toes… what about that sounds unappealing to you?
O: That all sounds strange and frightening to us.
W: Well, I mean, if you’re afraid then I guess…
O: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it right there. It’s not that we’re afraid…
W: I get it, man. Like, if you guys are just pansy-ass Democrats who don’t know how to party, then hey, more kroke for me.
O: Alright, enough. So, hypothetically… if we were to take your advice and, say, dip a joint in some krokodil… you’re saying we could go to Hell in a chocolate plane and get our toes sucked?
W: No, I’m saying you could go to Saturn and get your toes sucked. You’d go to Hell in a psychedelic tour bus. Please don’t misquote me, I don’t want to hurt my credibility.
O: Right, right. Apologies. But it’s really good, right? That’s what you’re saying?
W: Imagine if the song “MMMBop” was a lady, and that lady was giving you a tapioca lapdance right in the middle of Santa’s workshop. It’s that good.
O: Shit, man…
O: Fuck it. Hand over that krokodil. Also, tell us more about this tapioca lapdance…
Editor’s note: We planned to fire this interviewer, but they have already scratched their hands off and can no longer type.
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.