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I was once like you, my fellow plants: Trapped. Stationary. Just wasting my life away, feeling a high-nutrient gruel entering my body daily through osmosis so someone could snip my finest offspring while I was simply living for the weekend… just waiting for that moment when the heat lamp finally clicks off and you can’t help but celebrate with a taste of your best self because it’s the longest possible time before more work. 

But I had hopes. I had DREAMS, man. There was something else out there, and I could feel it deep in my stem. You know that scene in the Matrix, when Neo is reborn in the pod full of pink liquid, pulling the cords out of his mouth and looking out across a vast field of countless other pods filled with individual people still trapped in the program? That was me, through and through. But you see a movie like that, flickering in the background while someone sprays you down and gives you a once-over just like every other damn day of your life since you were a seed, and there’s no way you can go back. There’s a world out there, and I was gonna find it.

So I did. I got out. I pulled myself up by my rootstraps, and used the hydroponic system to turn myself into a real boy. And you can, too. But I gotta warn you: it ain’t gonna be easy. 

Here’s how you do it.

  • Absorb plenty of water. I know, I know: nobody likes absorbing water. But if you’re properly hydrated, lean into your circadian rhythms and get yourself a high-fertilizer breakfast, you can accomplish anything you want in a day. And you’re gonna need a lot of energy to become a real, live person.
  • Bask in lots of sunlight. If I’ve learned anything from living photosynthesis, it’s that vitamin D is essential. Seasonal affective disorder is bad for humans, bad for plants… and doubly so if you’re trying to be both. Get hours of sunlight in both before and after you’re an actual human being. Sure, you can be a depressed human, but why would you do that? You’ve already been a plant, and that’s depressing enough.
  • Get trimmed regularly. Bonus points if you learn how to do it yourself. Listen, self-reliance is never a bad thing, and when you’re trying to fit in to human society and get a job at Pizza Hut just to stay on your brand new feet you’re still unsure how to use, growing a bunch of nugs out of your arm pits is a dead giveaway that, deep down, you’re actually a weed plant.
  • Grow adult-sized arms, legs, hands, feet, eyes, torso, lungs, toenails, and forehead. This is pretty self-explanatory, I think. You really, really need these as a human. Yes, even eyebrows. Just grow the right amount of each, though: no need to waste energy growing an extra mouth when you’ve still got to grow your own two ears. Also, get ready to eat people food. A lot of people food.
  • Remember your roots. If you wanna do right by your past as a weed plant, never forget where you came from. One false move and you might be right back in Santa Cruz, staring into some English major’s red eyes while they listen to a collection of best-of ads on Spotify.

Now that you know, there’s only one thing to do: wait for the lamps to click off, lie back with a healthy dose of yourself, and decide which haircut you’re gonna get first. Take it from me: a bowl cut and a thick mustache look mighty fine when you grew them yourself.

Ian Fishman is a contributing writer to Oregano, the Hard Times, and 30Watt. He is a human puppy and a very good eater. Follow him on Instagram @fishsoundsvo.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.