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NORTH CALDWELL, N.J. — Alleged organized crime boss Pauly Mazarati has installed a massive fountain in his front lawn that, instead of water, spouts cannabis oil.

“Ya gotta have a fountain out front, it’s tradition, it’s how the neighbors know what’s up… But those fountains are extremely wasteful, and we’re in a drought, and especially with climate change, it’s just irresponsible to use water,” Mazarati began explaining while his consiglieri rolled him a blunt. “And then added bonus I happen to enjoy my cannabis oil. And the man who produces the oil happens to be a close family friend and was happy to pass along some of his product at a reduced rate for my use. It worked out quite well for all involved.”

Mafia investigator detective Mark Singer has recently begun looking for legal precedent to prosecute based on the cannabis oil fountain but has found nothing as of yet.

“There’s gotta be some way I can arrest a person for a cannabis oil fountain, right?” Singer stated while sifting through paperwork. “Can we make weed illegal again just for like 5 minutes real quick so I can nail this guy?”

After leaning fully into being a stoner mob boss, Pauly Mazarati was recently heard discussing new catchphrases like, “sleeping with the Phishes” and “roll him a blunt he can’t refuse.”

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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