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MISSOULA, MONTANA — 32-year-old local man Donald Shear was on the Toole Park riverside walking trail Sunday evening when he was gripped by the sudden realization that not only was he incredibly stoned but cloned cannabis molecules had actually infiltrated his brain and were now controlling his thoughts, emotions, and desires.
Multiple passersby said they saw Shear rocking back and forth on a park bench with his knees clutched to his chest, muttering stoned diatribes to himself about the industrialized food chain, QAnon, and Disney’s unremitting corruption of the modern youth.
“Jerry should have told me this was cloned weed,” Shear said.
“No seriously, I can feel the cloned molecules assimilating to my body’s internal ecosystem. This is how it always starts — all I wanted was to get high and watch Family Guy but now I’m going to need a verified Q Shaman if I ever want to be whole, again.”
“Ah! I knew it was a good idea to keep this tinfoil crack pipe,” he said while carefully unwinding the scorched foil contraption and wrapping it around his cranium.
Local dealer Jerry Parker later confessed to Oregano that he only sells weed homegrown from seed but he enjoys fucking with his paranoid customer. “I totally told Donny this was a new cut smuggled out of Colorado called ‘Brave New Weed’ so I’m thinking it’ll be about 10-15 minutes after his first joint before he takes a nose dive down the rabbit hole.”
Shear reportedly gathered the courage to keep moving after a brief, ten-minute meltdown on the park bench but then he was accosted by an off-leash Yorkshire terrier and the stoned conspiracy theorist threw himself in the river.
Graham is a cannabis writer & editor living in Portland, Oregon. He probably wouldn’t eat any of your fruit but that’s not your fault, he has allergies.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.