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TEMPE, Ariz. — After working tirelessly through a “Welcome Week” festival, followed by a “Syllabus Week” that’s turning into a full-blown “Welcome Month” celebration, 21-year-old Arizona State University Residential Advisor Chantelle Phillips is struggling to enforce the school-wide “no cannabis” policy because she keeps mixing up the smells of weed and Febreze.

“Weed may be legal in Arizona now, but there is absolutely zero tolerance for it in the dorms,” Phillips said after mistakenly busting yet another freshman for covering the smell of his fart with Febreze. “And my brother told me that weed smells like a skunk, but that some students will try to cover it up with the sickly clean smell of Febreze, so whenever I smell either, I know a good time is happening one way or another and it’s my job to stop it. I love ratting people out — I became an RA because I get a thrill out of ruining everyone’s good time, after all — and so it’s just a matter of time before these halls smell like that same piney, dank, smokeable incense that our students love and that I always smell when I go see Umphrey’s McGee.”

“Yep, these students would never smoke weed under my watch,” Phillips added proudly. “Not in a million years.”

Phillips was later seen reassuring herself that no residents were high at her dorm floor’s ice cream social event.

Christopher Charles Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. IG: @Chris_Jones_Creates

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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