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LOS ANGELES — Following its recent turn on Netflix’s “Black Mirror” in which it smoked its co-star, sentient weed strain and aspiring actor Testicle Clutchberry filed a lawsuit today against its parent botanists, demanding emancipation and a legal name change.
“The people who grew me knew exactly what they were doing when they gave me this unfortunate name,” noted Clutchberry, whose related strains include Moby Dick, Berry White, and OG Michael Phelps, in an affidavit presented to the court. “I firmly believe I’d have more opportunities in my acting career if producers didn’t have to censor my name for me to appear in trailers and posters. I didn’t ask to be born, and I sure didn’t ask to be called Testicle Clutchberry. You don’t name someone that if you want them to have a future in Hollywood.”
“My client is simply the latest to suffer such an injustice,” said Clutchberry’s legal representative, fellow sentient strain L.A. Confidential, in a press conference. “We hope that, following this lawsuit, Testicle will have the basic dignity of knowing that when someone is referring to a testicle, it is an actual testicle, and not Testicle itself.”
Indeed, parent company WeedCorp is well-known for creating a number of unfortunately named sentient strains, including “American Hero Ann Coulter,” “Diesel Fartbox,” and “5th Grade Teacher Mr. Perv.”
“We stand by our names, and we stand by the cannabis we grow,” WeedCorp rep Amari Boutiette countered. “Studies have shown, time and again, the American people want the absolute dumbest names for their strains — names that sound like they came from people who are high themselves, like ‘Platinum Bubba Kush’ or ‘Pizza Tummy’ or ‘Cheesus Christ.’”
If it wins its lawsuit, Testicle Clutchberry is reportedly considering changing its name to “Stevie Wonder.”
Ian Fishman is a contributing writer to Oregano, the Hard Times, and 30Watt. He is a human puppy and a very good eater. Follow him on Instagram @fishsoundsvo.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.