Are you of legal age to consume cannabis related news?


People dismiss astrology as some “horseshit pseudoscience,” but damn it, I’ve seen the truth in the stars with my own eyes. 

Feel free not to “believe” in astrology; that’s entirely your call (although I’d venture to assume you have some heavy Capricorn placements in your ninth house). Speaking from personal experience, otherwise known as Scientific Observation, I am indeed convinced that astrology is very real — and it can be proven by simply looking at the current welfare of any given sign’s smoking apparatus. 

Every zodiac sign adheres to certain characteristics, and these characteristics directly contribute to each zodiac sign having a different level of pipe cleanliness. Like it or not, right now, there is a Taurus Sun smoking with stale, day-old water through a blackened clear bong. Those are just the facts. Don’t be too stubborn to admit it, Taureans. 

Gemini placements have pretty clean pipes, but they always clean it with some weird oil that makes a sticky resin outside of the shotgun. Whatever happened to salt and lemon juice? Or a good, old fashioned boil of their pipe? No. A Gemini would rather use an “exotic avocanda resin scrub,” or some other bullshit. But resin doesn’t eliminate resin. How do you have two faces with four eyes, and can’t see that?

Leos just buy new pipes after they get dirty, then flip their hair. End of story. 

Libras? Those pretty-eyed, scale-tipping air signs should maybe invest in some spectacles, so they can see the obvious negligence to their pipes. Where is the justice for those fallen bubblers? 

If an Aquarius wants to smoke with me, it’s roll-ups only. Period. Their poorly kept pieces are almost always caked with mold, and frankly, it’s concerning. Come on: aqua is LITERALLY in your sign, yet you are an AIR SIGN? Get your shit together. Figure it out. I can’t keep up with your identity crisis, much like how you can’t upkeep your filthy pipes.

Literally every single one of my friends who have water placements that use water pipes leave them to decay internally, but constantly add new ice. I’m looking at you mostly, Cancer. For someone so sensitive, you clearly don’t care about bong hygiene. And I wouldn’t put it past a Pisces to have a live fish in there. Psychos. 

But Virgos, renowned as the tidiest of all signs, always have the cleanest bongs. Virgos notoriously change their bong water and wipe down the mouthpiece per rotation. Always paying meticulous attention to detail, Virgo placements likely have more than one pipe or joint going in rotation, smoothly hitting their own private piece while sending their “community bubbler” around to the group. Yes, Virgos are far more particular and minimalistic when it comes to their smoking rituals, and thereby the best to burn one down with.

These observations from years of smoking other peoples weed, while also demanding to control the aux cord in their homes are conclusive, says my Taurus sun and Scorpio rising.

The proof is in your pudding-caked bizzongs. Don’t like it? Well, unless you’re an Aries Mars, fight me.

Ashley Ruark is a stand-up comedian, musician, and writer from Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.