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ALPENA, Mich. — When people typically talk about a person having a “green thumb,” it’s historically been a metaphor for their ability to grow just about anything, anywhere, under any conditions.

But one man’s natural affliction of an actual green thumb, complete with shiny trichomes and bright red hairs, had always prevented him from ever gaining steady, legal employment… until Michigan legalized cannabis.

“You ought to take a look at this shit,” 62-year-old cannabis farmer Johnny Pyles exclaimed eagerly when asked about his most potent digit. “This sucker looks like Molly Ringwald, it’s got so many red hairs. And the way it glistens in the light? God damn, it looks like I got my thumb from Zales! Nobody’s got a green thumb like mine. The plants and I, we just have a way together. They understand me, and I understand them.”

“It sure does my old heart mighty good how he’s taken to that thumb he inherited from his old man,” said a misty- and glossy-eyed Roy Pyles, Johnny’s 86-year-old father. “The way he took to farmin’ reefer as a youngster always made me think he’d do something special. I thought I had a green thumb, but after seeing how well my boy has done, I’d be embarrassed to sell my thumb to a seventh grader for $10. The student has become the master.”

The Pyles are members of a new generation of growers who, thanks to the decades of progress in cannabis cultivation, can say their green thumbs are far superior to those of their predecessors. According to a study published last year by researchers at the University of Maryland, the average cannabis farmer’s green thumb in 1981 had a cannabinoid content of 2-4%. Today, that number is around 25-40%, with some farmers claiming to even have “purple thumbs.”

“Mine’s a hybrid implant, using my original thumb as a baseline that’s crossbred with a pure Sour Diesel so I can farm all day long with the best of ‘em now,” said Huntington, Ore. farmer Melissa Winterer. “Sure, there’ve been some problems — I have what I like to call ‘dank filanges’ and what doctors like to call ‘severe gangrene’ — but you’d be amazed how a little bit of flower from my own thumb can cut that pain down.”

Public health officials insist that anyone who has a literal green thumb of cannabis, natural or bred, take extra precautions while driving, as gripping a steering wheel with a cannabis digit can be “dangerously distracting.” However, hitchhiking with the thumb is strongly encouraged.

Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.