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FORTUNA, Ca. — Infamous do-gooder and fabled children’s hero Johnny Appleseed is retracing his steps through Humboldt County this week after realizing he accidentally dropped some very different seeds than he intended throughout Northern California many years ago.
“I don’t know how this could happen,” Appleseed said begrudgingly of his sojourn that left millions of acres of the state overgrown with cannabis plants. “I have a system in place, and it’s always worked out: a satchel full of apple seeds, and a little cellophane baggie of my special seeds. There must have been a mixup though, because apparently, I covered this whole county top to bottom in Johnny’s Chronic. What a disaster.”
Appleseed was tipped off to his mistake while trekking across the Northwest U.S., visiting apple orchards he’d planted in Washington and Oregon before making his way over to the Redwood forests.
“I came back for some fresh apples, and this is what I find?” Appleseed said. “Massachusetts came out perfect, but this right here is a nightmare. Boy, is my face red.”
Most appalled were Appleseed’s childhood friends whom he’d known from various tall tales growing up, who all noted that this was “not the Appleseed they thought they knew.”
“I had Johnny all wrong,” claimed a distraught Little Bo Peep, whose sheep were staring lazily at clouds and softly giggling to themselves while dozing under trees nearby. “I thought he was a decent fellow, planting apple trees and spreading joy. But he dropped off that chronic in Humboldt County back in ‘77 and proved me plumb wrong. Why, my sheep have accidentally grazed on good-good so many times, half of them are now genetically disoriented, and none of them will graze anywhere else. That Appleseed is rotten to the core, and my sheep are stoned as all hell.”
While authorities say Appleseed is still at large, Appleseed hopes to avenge his mistake by revisiting Humboldt County and planting more apples than in anywhere else, reviving his reputation as the guy who plants the fruit you smoke weed out of, not weed itself.
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
