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JERUSALEM, Israel — Religious, political and spiritual leaders around the world are flocking back to Jerusalem on Good Friday this year, as Jesus has allegedly arisen, and brought some “dank as fuck” weed with him.
“We’ve all grown up hearing that this would happen again someday, but I’m still in disbelief that it’s occurring in my lifetime,” said Ezra Alradel, a tour guide at Jerusalem’s Basilica of the Resurrection. “I was the first to see him come out of the same cave he was resurrected from nearly 2,000 years ago — he smelled so skunky, and was wearing Birkenstocks, and I thought, ‘Is he Jesus? Or does he just look like Jesus?’ But then he magically turned my water bottle into an ice-cold Sierra Nevada Pale Ale and tossed me the strongest joint I’ve ever smoked in my life, so I knew he had to be legit.”
The alleged son of God, fulfilling generations of prophecies of his resurrection, was very ready to party with any and all who wished to join. Sadly, most of his followers were uninterested, leading Jesus to seek a quick trip to the more liberal parts of the U.S.
“When I came into work today, I had no idea I’d be meeting Jesus Christ in person. I mean, who on Earth could ever expect that?” laughed El Al Airlines flight agent Naomi Lewenburg from her station in Tel Aviv. “Jesus walked straight up to my service counter looking for flights to Portland, Denver, or Santa Cruz. While Israel’s cannabis laws aren’t too bad, they’re still more archaic than he is, and he needed to get somewhere where he’s free to stock up on more high-grade flower.”
Unfortunately for Jesus, not having a passport or any forms of identification made it impossible for him to board a flight, despite his offers to turn all airport drinking fountains into wine fountains. Trapped and confronted by countless adoring fans, Jesus had no choice but to face a sea of frenzied reporters.
“This is ridiculous. I died for everyone’s sins, and no one can hook me up with a simple economy seat ticket to the land of the free?” said Christ. “I’m way too generous to be somewhere where I can’t refill my stock — this bud will probably last me another day, tops. I’m a man of the people, and these people have got some sticky fucking fingers, if you know what i mean.”
Thankfully, rap and hip-hop legend Snoop Dogg was quick to offer assistance to Jesus.
“Jerusalem is a dope town, but I can’t imagine being stuck there without some solid kush, ya dig?” Snoop said. “If my homie Jesus needs the chronic and a ride to L.A. to come smoke and collab with me in the studio, then I gotta step up to help. I mean, this mothafucka died for me. That’s some heavy shit, and I don’t take that for granted.”
UPDATE: Jesus has reportedly boarded Snoop’s private jet, and has decided that dabs are the best way to overcome his severe PTSD from being crucified by “those bootlicking asshole Roman pigs.”
Christopher Charles Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. Follow him on Insta @Chris_Jones_Creates
