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GREENWICH, Conn. — Sir Ian Haversham of Langley, self-proclaimed Earl of Greenwich, recently removed his stovepipe hat and swung his cape out of the way just long enough to drop a dab of live rosin into his artisan, pipe-shaped rig.

“Shalln’t settle-not I for common flotsam and jetsam, most concentrates are merely plebian rubbish and I shant suffer their subjection,” the also self-proclaimed Duke of Greenwich stated before scoffing, then scoffing again but louder to make sure everyone noticed. “Now if you don’t mind, please pass the Grey Poupon, as this charcuterie requires a hint of dijon to complete the flavor profile and I am baked A-F so I’m about to destroy this cheese plate.”

Haversham’s wife, Madamoiselle Beatrice Amaryllis of Oxford, the lady queen her royal heiress of Greenwich, also requested Grey Poupon just after opening a sun umbrella while fanning herself with the other hand.

“I’ll be requiring the traces of dijon provided by Grey Poupon after partaking in the aforementioned practice of roasting this delicious live rosin,” she announced while packing a three-yard long cigarette holder and donning immaculate white, frilly gloves. “And I will know if you bring me live resin instead of live rosin, we will both know, we can easily tell the difference! Now, be gone!”

Haversham later added, “If you’d like to know a secret my dear boy, I don’t even like Grey Poupon — I just like saying it.”

“But I can most definitely tell the difference between live rosin and live resin,” he said while actively not noticing the difference between live rosin and live resin.

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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