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Austin, TX — Tycho Barnes, golden retriever and eight-year veteran of the Austin Police Department’s K-9 unit, is reportedly fed up with his usual drug-sniffing duties and decided that from now on, he’s only going to locate cannabis products if the THC content is at least 25%.
“I remember when we used to get so excited in the kennels at the faintest scent of ditch weed,” Tycho barked. “But just the other day I smelt a few grams of mids in some college kid’s back pocket and I almost puked up my kibble. I’ve been in the game for so long at this point, I wouldn’t touch that shit with a six-foot pole — let alone stick my delicate schnoz anywhere near that low-potency ass.”
Initial reports indicated that Tycho’s handlers said he was a “bad dog” for neglecting to identify every bit of cannabis he detected. However, they later admitted they felt bad about the punishment and said they were also sick of only ever finding that low-potency crap in the evidence locker.
Note: this is a developing story and, with cannabis reforms undoubtedly coming to Texas — despite the best efforts of elected officials who would rather continue propping up for-profit prisons than protect the basic human rights of their constituents — an anonymous expert predicted Tycho will pivot to the business of cannabis testing once the market is fully realized.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.