Opinion: I’m Not Opening My Christmas Gifts Until I’m Stoned

Name me one activity that isn’t better stoned — I’ll wait. The truth is, you won’t find one. Eating, playing music, playing video games, riding your bike… hell, even sleeping, they’re all better stoned. So why would Christmas activities be any kind of exception? That’s why this year for the holidays, I am refusing to open any of my gifts until I can do it stoned. 

Think about it. The benefits are endless: Being stoned will help me be more in tune with the energy of the wrapping paper. It will help foster and amplify the feeling of suspense with each gift before I open it. It will make me be more creative when giving thanks to the gift giver — you know, really make sure they feel it — and it will also allow me to see gifts in new, inventive ways. For example, last year, what appeared to be a simple computer case to the rest of my family actually doubled as a convenient carrying case for my stash. No one else saw it because they were too busy “staying sober.” 

I honestly believe it helps with holiday emergency preparedness, too. Two years ago, a squirrel got into the house, and my entire family was freaking out. I, however, was super fucking blazed, and I was able to communicate with the animal telepathically. Suddenly, it ran out the back porch door, which means, I saved Christmas. Any longer in the house, and I think that squirrel would have given my grandma a heart attack. You know how they say no one has ever died from weed? Well, not only that, but it actively SAVES lives. 

Unfortunately this year, as I write this even, I’m having to stall Christmas morning. I’m sitting in the bathroom right now pretending to take the shit of the century. My silly family all voted to do Christmas over here at my brother’s place this year, and I hadn’t planned on it being so difficult to find bud. For some reason all the shops are observing the holiday; I already went out super early this morning to four locations, and all I could find was that lousy gas station CBD stuff. Anyway, I got in touch with the high school kid from across the street and he’s supposed to deliver on some dank any minute now. I told him to come directly to the bathroom window. 

Here’s hoping he comes soon — my sister is pissed and has already knocked on the door three times now. My young nephews are getting impatient. I really hope they at least used some trippy wrapping paper this year and cooked a dank meal. Otherwise, this whole runaround might not have been worth it. 

Jay Shingle is a comedy performer and musician from the Pacific Northwest, and he is the creator of @ordinarypeoplememes on Instagram. You can follow him directly on Insta @jayshingle

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