QUEENS, N.Y. — Local transplant and known Lutheran Chad Anderson assured his Jewish roommates earlier this week that he had the requisite skills to make latkes “just like their grandmothers” — an unfortunate promise that cannabis, for neither he nor his diners, could help make true.
“I’m sure he’ll screw it up again, but I want to be supportive, ya know? Once he found out I was Jewish he really wanted to make latkes happen. It’s a sweet gesture, and he’s trying so hard to get good at making these,” reported roommate Mallory Ulmann while lighting a pre-dinner joint. “And I gotta admit, I’m morbidly curious just how he manages to fuck it up this year. It’s not like it’s a hard recipe — you fry potato, onion, eggs, flour, and salt. I guess I’m just glad we’re getting high first this time.”
Anderson, well-known for being a transplant from the very small North Dakota town of Beach, reportedly made his attempt at the dish for the third year running. On the fourth night of Hanukkah, Anderson glowingly presented his latest attempt at the traditional recipe with a pride befitting someone who wasn’t about to offend generations of Jewish people alive and dead.
Sadly, neither the relaxed level-headedness of cannabis nor the blinking string of letters over the dining room archway reading “Festival of Lights” could hide Ulmann’s and fellow roommate Ben Weschler’s disgust. “How could weed not make this better? I will usually eat literally anything when I’m high,” expressed Weschler. “How did he actually make it worse than last year’s, when he basically poached a cookie in soy sauce?”
“A little sweet for my sweets,” Anderson joked as if savagely mocking his unenthusiastic consumers with his total lack of basic culinary skills, while Weschler feigned a smile and confusingly bit into a boiled strawberry and what was later described as some kind of sweet noodle.
The alleged dinner led Ulmann and Weschler to search their memories for any hints as to whether all Christians sucked this badly at making latkes, or just Anderson. “We’ve tried to tell him hundreds of times. And I know I’ve seen Christians cook with oil,” Ulmann said. “I guess it’s kind of our own fault for continuing to let him try. I really thought getting high first would help us all.”
“I truly hated those. Like, a lot,” Weschler agreed. “I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight.”
Weschler and Ulmann were last seen salvaging their dinner by sharing a raw potato and onion, while Anderson lit a blunt with the Hanukkah menorah candles and then blew them all out, shouting, “Happy birthday, Moses!”
Joe Rapp is an improviser, graphic designer and unknown local celebrity in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter @fakejoerapp
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