HELENA, Mont. — Several hundred Montanans commemorated the recent legalization of cannabis with a raging keg party last night just outside of Helena, dancing and drinking to the wee hours of the morning.
“The only way to truly show our gratitude for the end of this oppressive prohibition is to get 100% shit-faced,” slurred party organizer Scott Evans. “We had beertenders available who made sure everyone here had a brew that met their specific needs — we had stout for the older folks, IPAs for the millennials, and a shit ton of Coors LIght for the ladies. One guy brought a keg of hemp ale and we didn’t even kick his ass.”
Missoula brewmaster Dave Rauss brought pre-bottled samples of his own craft lager to the party, adding a homegrown flavor to the affair.
“More than anything else, this party has made me wonderfully optimistic about the future of beer culture in Montana. Hangovers won’t be a thing of the past, but they’ll certainly be a lot more manageable for far more people now,” said Rauss, packing a fresh pint glass. “And it’s not like marijuana prohibition has kept us from drinking altogether, but our spirit of freedom and liberty has been reborn with such power and energy that for years to come, our children will crack a cold one and pass it around behind the 7-11, feeling proud of where they live.”
Ofc. Laurie Kilemilio of the Helena Police Community Outreach Program was also on hand to speak and answer the community’s questions.
“This is a banner day our narcotics unit, who were getting so sick of arresting Jord Pauley,” Kilemilio said while pointing at Pauley, Helena’s only pot dealer. “And despite our happiness, we strongly hope someone is smart enough to help get him set up with a legitimate brick-and-mortar cannabis business, ‘cause fuck knows Jord isn’t gonna be able to do it himself. Now set up the beer pong and let’s get wasted!”
Since the legalization of cannabis, the only reported negative outcome for Montana has been a drastic decline in visitors from neighboring Idaho, who now believe the state to be a physical manifestation of Hell on Earth.
Kyle Stanley once stole a beer from Greg Hetson’s private stash and then cheers’d him with it. That’s courage. @KGordonStanley on Twitter.
End // Email me more of these pls.