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All my friends are asking why I’m saving my traditional New Year’s Eve kiss for my bong. Uh… because I don’t want to get COVID! How much would it sting to make it through 2020 safe and sound, only to contract Coronavirus from your New Year’s Eve kiss at midnight? That’d just be one last kick in the butt on the way out the door from the year that won’t stop kicking. No, thanks.

Being safe doesn’t mean you have to go without a kiss this NYE, though. In fact, you don’t even need to leave the house to have a transformative experience this New Year’s, right in your own home. To be totally sure, though, don’t lock lips with anyone you don’t normally kiss on the mouth — not even your pets! Make sure you make it through the year so you don’t miss a chance to put all of 2020 in your hindsight. 

Before the big night, treat yourself! If you don’t already have one, maybe now is the time to invest in a high-quality water bong, especially if you live in a state where you can openly display and use it. A good quality bong can last a lifetime, so take good care of it, and you might be passing that piece down to your grandkids. 

And if you already have a bong, congrats! You already have a date. How about giving your lucky lady a bath? You may need to soak the bowl and stem overnight, so plan ahead. Throw out that stinky bong water, rinse her out and refill with filtered or distilled water. It’s time for a fresh start all around — not all bubbles have to be from champagne. Sprinkle a little glitter in there to be festive. And why not add a few drops of essential oil to the water? Go off! You didn’t hear it from me. 

For the most fulfilling New Year’s kiss, at 11:59 p.m. on NYE, take a monster bong rip from your freshly cleaned bong. Hold it in for as long as you can, and set your intentions for the coming year. Release. Let all the terrors of 2020 leave your body in a puff of smoke. Keep pushing the air out, until your lungs are completely empty. Then take another massive rip, inhaling as long as you can. Hold, and set some realistic goals for the new year. Release again, exhaling your resentment for everything you missed out on over the past year. By the time you finish coughing and take your next breath… it’s officially 2021! 

Has a kiss from a stranger at a bar ever done that for you? The most you can hope for from that is a drunk hookup and waking up hungover in a strange bed. Don’t start the new year with regret! Start with a clear head, a reset, and a mostly clean bong. 

Paulina Combow is a writer and stand-up comedian. She contributes to Reductress and Ladyspike Media and has had funny essays published in The Washington Post. Find her at 

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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