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The pre-Thanksgiving smoke sesh with my cousins is something I look forward to every year, and since the pandemic kept us all from getting together last year, I was especially looking forward to getting baked with my family before absolutely feasting on home-cooked goodness. 

But this year, a critical dilemma has thrown that whole tradition for a loop: the one cousin who was tasked with providing the ganj this year just announced he’s proudly anti-vax.

In the past, we’ve had to deal with our fair share of tribulations — like the one year where someone sneezed into the bowl and the embers burned a hole in my sweatshirt, or the time my brother accidentally brought salvia instead of weed, and the turkey started singing “Alice’s Restaurant” to me. But apparently my cousin Kenny got super into QAnon over the last year, and his refusal to get vaccinated has made the idea of smoking with him terrifying.

Also, what kind of weed is he even bringing to Thanksgiving? How do I know this jaggaloon hasn’t laced his shit with ivermectin or something? I even read somewhere that some Q theorists dip their joints in krokodil, and I refuse to toke on something that’s gonna leave gaping holes in my legs just because cuzzo couldn’t wise up and get a damn shot.

Let’s try to weigh some pros here: I’ve been vaccinated for a while, and I always wear a mask when there’s absolutely no way around it. So if I end up sharing a joint and swapping spit with my cousin, I should be immune to anything nasty he’s got swimming through his immune system. But now that I think of it, using the phrase “swapping spit with my cousin” just vacuumed whatever comfort I previously had about this situation. Back to the drawing board.

Fuck… he just asked me to take a whiff of his weed, and it smells goddamn fantastic. Those trichomes are glistening like the sun-kissed waters of a tropical lagoon, and I’d be remiss to say I wasn’t wondering to myself, “How willing am I to get COVID?” Honestly, the idea of quarantining for two weeks with skunk of this caliber sounds like a great way to spend the holidays.

You know what? I’m gonna tell him that I’ve been sick and I should really roll my own joint… you know, so I don’t get anyone else sick. I think that’ll be okay, and this holiday would be fundamentally incomplete if I didn’t follow through with this tradition. 

Even if it means I’ll have to force conversation with the blood relative who wore a “Let’s Go Brandon” T-shirt to dinner, it’s worth it if I can get unreasonably high on Thanksgiving.

Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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