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Congratulations — you’ve done it! Even in the midst of a global pandemic, you tested negative for Covid and got invited to a small New Year’s Eve party with some friends from work — and that means that if you play this right, you may get to join their bubble permanently, putting an end to the lonely nights and dates with the cat. So let’s shake that dust off, put the Yu Gi Oh cards away for a minute, and get ready to make the most of your New Year’s Eve!

One small problem: you know you want to get high, but in a Covid world, that means you can’t share your smoke, bring your dabs, or carve out a bong from whatever fruits are lying around your host’s home for everyone to share. That means you’ll need to eat an edible, and time it out just right so you don’t melt into the couch just as the streamers drop.

The best thing to do? Start early and go hard. Peak and maintain is the name of the game.

Before you get there, be sure you’re relaxed and ready to go, so eat your THC gummies early. Gummy bears are sold by the bag for a reason, and a large bag with that much sugar will keep you chock full of energy, so make sure you eat the whole bag in the car before going inside. Besides, you know these gummy bears are fancy because they’re measured in milligrams, so eating them all now saves you from having to awkwardly decline sharing them later.

As they kick in, try dancing or some light exercise. It’s hard to stay up late when your evenings usually end by 9:30 p.m., let alone after crushing a whole bag of gummies, so you need to keep your mind focused. What better way to do that than turning a potential snooze fest into a dance party? Put on some favorite tunes like “Sandstorm” or “Party Rock Anthem” and get that blood pumping. If there isn’t a stereo, you can always just give it the “street karaoke” touch and sing your way through a capella. Or if you don’t know the words, leave it behind and do some jumping jacks to keep yourself going — nothing says “I can go all night, new friends!” like someone openly keeping up with their cardio. 

For those who don’t want to do anything physical, try simply talking louder. Plus, everyone loves a fresh Borat impression — entertain your friends while you keep your brain sharp. Very nice!

After that, maybe it’s time to bring in some reinforcements — kick it up with some Four Loko. Sure, you heard the stories of kids blacking out on the Loko back when you were in college, but caffeine jolts the body and brain, and has no known gummy bear-related side effects.

Lastly, when the clock strikes 12:00, do something silly! This is your final chance to seal the deal and secure an invite to the next party, so when the clock rolls over to midnight, do something ridiculous to prove once and for all how great you are at parties. Put on a silly hat, find a pet to kiss, sing Auld Lang Syne as loudly as you can, and call an Uber before the munchies really hit. Because above all else, you want your evening to be safe… and you’ve got a whole pantry of your own at home.

Happy New Year, everybody!

Bryant Smith is a comedian based out of Chattanooga, TN and can be seen performing throughout the Southeast once the pandemic is quelled.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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