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WALL TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Local stoner and hopeless romantic Taylor Ross came across a sentimental reminder of Valentine’s Day last weekend when he discovered a heart-shaped bud growing from one of his plants, which he promptly ground up in a Pokéball grinder and incinerated with a Zippo lighter.
“I’ll admit that I can get a little lovey-dovey,” confessed a blushing Ross, whose cheeks were as red as his scleras. “I’m the first to get misty-eyed over a tender moment. Hell, the worst part of growing is separating the male and female plants, because who knows what could have happened if they had gotten to know each other? Anyway, when I saw I’d clipped a little heart-shaped nugget off a stem of some Bio-Jesus, it turned me all gooey inside for the minute I spent smashing it to oblivion and incinerating it. I guess it’s just something about the season.”
The affection Ross has for Valentine’s Day has reportedly been palpable to his colleagues and the customers to whom he sells his flower.
“My guy is gushy as fuck,” giggled Miles Collins, a longtime friend of Ross who recently purchased one of his Valentine’s-themed packages. “I bought a zip from him last week and he put all the nugs into a gold Ferraro Rochet box with a lacy bow around it. Then he told me he thought I’d like it because I’m ‘sweeter than chocolate’ and gave me a hug, and I think a kiss on the cheek. That’s my boy, but I’m just gonna burn those nugs up in a bubbler, so for him to be so sentimental about it is pretty weird.”
As the most romantic day of the year approaches, dispensaries and other cannabis vendors are also celebrating, hoping to cash in on the tendency of stoners like Ross to let their soft sides get the best of them.
“You’d be surprised at how much business we do on Valentine’s Day,” explained Nadine Murray, who manages High Daze Alternative Health in downtown Princeton. “Next to 4/20 and the day before Thanksgiving, it might be our biggest day of the year, so we make sure to stock up on little heart-shaped containers for our product. That way, they’ve got a cute holiday reminder full of weed they will inevitably burn to an unrecognizable crisp.”
At press time, Ross was reportedly baking an adorable heart-shaped weed-infused cake, which he intended to eat with his fists.
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.